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Free Me

breaking%20chainsFree me from these chains I carry
Weighing down my load
Free me from the worries that eat at me
Eroding my soul
Free me from the pains afflicting me
Punching me in the heart
Free me from what I can not control
Save me from myself.
 
Free me from all self pity
Others push away
Free me from hanging my head
Let me see the sky
Free me from the things that bind me
Keeping me in the past
Free me from this helpless feeling
Give me a reason to go on.
 
So, who is there to free you anyways?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Who is beating down upon you?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Free me, you say, free me…
Free me, you say…
Free me
Look into the reflection before you…
Free yourself!
 
Free me from this negative spiral
Dragging me deeper still
Free me from the life I’m livin’
Give me what I need
Free me the dark despair
Bring me some of that joy
Free me this lonely existance
Save me from myself.
 
So, who is there to free you anyways?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Who is beating down upon you?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Free me, you say, free me…
Free me, you say…
Free me
Look into the reflection before you…
Free yourself!
 
 
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Burdens (100th post)

Art by Rebeca Rebouche

Art by Rebeca Rebouche

Etched into the face

The eyes
The shoulders, tensed
Fingers rigidly grasped
Broadcasting
Observed, 
Those who see
Who are aware
Who open up beyond themselves
Who are concerned.
 
Unfathomable to so many
An abyss lies before them
What they see is the darkness
That they detour
Avoid
Move away from
Not understanding
The darkness is the abyss
As the abyss is that someone
Who could not detour
Avoid
Move away
Who is in that abyss
Plunging down.
 
Light comes in many forms
But it has to be taken in
Wished for
Prayed for
Delivered
By one’s own doings
It is a burden
On top of so many others.
 
*************************************************

This is my 100th post since beginning this blog on November 18, 2012. I began this a month after my mother passed away; I had been writing, but my feelings and such were mixed in with my creative writing on Tale Spinning. You may, or may not know, that the Rabbi I had just begun seeing. She asked me to try and write in the first person, not hiding anything in my fiction. As that was not what Tale Spinning is about, I created this blog four days after meeting with her.

What does this mean for me? 100+ days have passed (as I have not written every single day, though I have tried) since starting this blog, plus the extra month. I wonder if this blog has just about run it’s course, and I ask myself that on the days that I feel I have nothing to write, nothing to give. I know I will not place an extra burden on myself by continuing this just for the sake of continuing. It needs to have meaning for me; this has never been about getting a large number of readers, but just a way to find some catharsis in releasing, in self examination, in being as open and honest as I possibly can.

I hope that while I continue this it remains helpful to others. Some have written to me, either here or in private communications, telling me that this has been important for them, in various ways. For that, I am glad.

I want to thank: Rabbi Pam for (inadvertently) starting me on this path; all my friends, whose caring has helped see me through this dark time; and you, the readers who I’ve gotten to “know” through comments and those of you who read but keep to yourself. For all: from Talking to God, by Naomi Levy (c):

Please, God, help me to recognize my strength. May I always remember that no matter how far I have fallen, no matter how bleak my life may seem, no matter how lost I feel, that I can always begin again. Amen.

Thank you for being here with me. I hope you find the strength within yourself and are able to continue sharing it with others.

Standing Water

Ba Gua (Feng-Shui-Mirror)Stillness,

No ripples

No waves

Nothing passing over

Nothing moving under

No pulsations

Calm, but…

A turbulence waits

Striking without notice

Leaving, in its wake,

Choppy peaks,

Uneven crests,

Rising, flooding

Washing away

Eroding

Until, that passes

Stillness returns

Taking its time

Waiting

Healthy Love

dr-seuss-love-quote-quotes-swag-Favim.com-435688“You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

“Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.” – Jean Anouilh

“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” – John Bulwer

“Love is not consolation. It is light.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

 

What is healthy love?

When it is not tinged with demands

When it is not cloying, demanding, needy

When it is not attached to so many strings

That you strangle upon the words

That are never truly believed

That bind and hurt and control.

What is healthy love?

It asks for nothing

Is given freely

Demands nothing in return

Stands on its own, refreshed daily

And at night, it wraps its arms around you

Secure, comforting, reaching deep inside

Allowing you to be just that

You

And caring so much about you

Your well being

Your heart

Your smile

A healthy love envelops without smothering

A healthy love heals

A healthy love is secure

Here is to a healthy love

Sacrifice

Caprice. Verso: Masked Woman with a White Mouse circa 1894 by Aubrey Beardsley 1872-1898Time spent
Under harsh words
Scalding
Working away at the edges
Harsh words sent back
Erosion occurs, the self
A backwash of pain-
Isolation-
Nothing gained
Too much lost.
 
Time spent
Issues of control
Demanding
Fighting escalates
Silence ensues
Which is the only time
There is peace.
Then it begins anew-
Isolation-
Closing doors
That can’t be reopened.
 
Time spent
Knowing the true face
Demeaning
If others only knew
What they venerated
Distaste, in hiding,
Behind a screen of smiles
Isolation-
Trying to not scream-
Hoping for change
Hope in that, unfulfilled.
 
Time spent in sacrifice
Time spent in hiding
Time spent in fighting
Time spent in hoping
Time spent in hating
Time spent in escaping
Time spent in abuse
Time spent in isolation
Time spent wounded
Time spent hurt
Time spent 
Time spent
Time served
 
 

Snow, Alone

“There are often times, O God, when I feel alone, and yet I know in my heart that I am never alone. You are always there waiting for me to speak to You of my desires, hopes and dreams.

Yet how seldom do I reach out to You to voice my gratitude for all that is beautiful in my life…all the gifts of my life. Love, family, friendship have come from You.

But the greatest gift of all is Your presence, which time and again has given me strength, faith and courage.

Now, in the midst of doubt and confusion, I need to know that You are beside me in the depth of my being. With You there, I know I am not alone-ever.

My Friend, my strength, my God.”  ~ from Gates of Healing

I have struggled with this prayer, as I have with some others, since Rabbi Pam gave me the book Gates of Healing after my mother’s death. In meeting with her this week, we talked about interpretations, finding my own meanings in the prayers I have chosen, or were chosen for me, to say. She talked of how the great Rabbi’s of the past have “riffed” on passages, giving them context to the situations of their lives at that time.

One thing she said, when I confessed  my confusion of still not finding the belief so deeply in God as others around me: look as God within the faces/presence of those who surround me, who offer me love and caring and goodness of their hearts. Not as an abstract, but placed before me in the people who are here. It took me off to the side, examining her words, and this prayer came to mind, and has been very strong the last few mornings.

What has given me strength, faith and courage in the midst of all that I’ve gone through are those loved ones, friends and family, known or internet only known, who have been there for me. If, as she says, God shows his presence, then yes, God has, time and again, given me that greatest gift.

This, by the way, was not the interpretation we discussed. I’ll save that for another post, as I’m still mulling it over, and want to pull my thoughts and feelings together.

Today is a snow day, as we are awaiting a blizzard of EPIC proportions (epic is for the newscasters who are predicting doom and gloom). I’ll be home, alone (hence the title of this piece), writing, sending out resumes, reading, and contemplating things, and at times, just watching the snow come down.

blizzard_trees102606There is a beauty in snow falling

When you can sit back and just watch it fall

It drifts, blows, gathers

And the silence it brings,

The clean coat covering,

The softness spreads out before you.

When In Doubt…

Desert“When in doubt,

Toss it out!”

Mottos from the past, a refrain

Placed on the clutter, once again.

If for years, no light of day

Just throw the thing away.

Don’t harbor thoughts of why it was there

Don’t judge about how it was packed with care

Cleanse… for not everything’s value is dear

Cleanse…look, there’s something else under here!

Cleanse…hold on to the few things close to the heart

Cleanse…right here! A good place to start.

The past is there in front of you

Haunting, your mood might go blue

A little at a time, one step before the other

Ask for help; don’t let it smother.

Eventually, everything will be in place

Eventually, it will seem like a new space.

 

When in doubt,

Toss it out!”

Mottos from the past, a refrain

Placed on the clutter, once again.

Breakage (a Tanka Poem)

brokenthingThings, falling apart
One more, after another
Things, sliding away
Keep moving forward; you do
Another piece drifts away
 
It piles up, you know
They do not feel it; To Them
It’s only one thing.
But one more top of it
One more…raining, it pours
 
Bit by lousy bit
Cascading all in a heap
Needs to let up, some.
Keep moving forward: you do!
Backwards…tumble…standing still.
 
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“When I panic, God, teach me patience. When I fear, teach me faith. When I doubt myself, teach me confidence. When I despair, teach me hope. When I lose perspective, show me the way-
back to love, back to life, back to You. Amen.”
~ from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)
 
“When you feel broken, alone ,full of PAIN, and not sure of what to do anymore, just SMILE.”
~ from Unknown
 
“Grant me, O God, the strength to face each hour of this and every day. In fact, when it seems that I cannot face even this hour, fill me with sufficient strength to face the next five minutes. Amen.”
~ from Gates of Healing, a message of comfort and joy