So, here we are. A week I’ve been dreading, as I mentioned on Sunday (which was Mother’s Day). It’s now mid-week, and the presence of this coming Friday looms over me. As I’ve mentioned previously, this May 17th would have been my mother’s 87th birthday. It’s a sad week, not as horrible as I thought in those regards…
Today I had a mid morning break. I sat in the school library, trolling the internet for work to apply to. A teacher was already at one of the computers when another came in. Instantly, their conversation was solely on recent deaths in both families. There was nothing for me to do but log off as fast as I could and bolt from the room. I was propelled down the hallway, looking for some refuge. It just came out of nowhere, and the feelings just caved in my head a bit.
Just not what I was expecting. School is full of life; all the little ones just bouncing off the wall. Being aware that it is all about them, their safety and well being, was a saving grace.
Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to Friday.
As to disappointments…I have, since Sunday, received about six rejections from jobs (not even an interview, just that my credentials do not meet what they are looking for). Today, I got a call from a job for the summer (and possibly beyond) that I had high hopes for: they did offer me the job, but only 12 hours a week at $25/hour. Yes, it’s better than nothing, but I have another offer that at least will give me more of a weekly wage during the summer.
So, others would say (and I know who they are) that I should be happy that I did well on the interviews I’ve had and have gotten offers. So many others don’t even get to the interview stage. I get that…it’s just I see a dangling rope in front of me, and while I may grab it, it ultimately is not strong enough to pull me out of the dregs I’m in. Enough metaphor?
I did get a one week residency that will help my June out, so that is a good thing. When saying my prayers, I asked God for some break…this definitely came out of no where and is most welcome. So…thank you, God.
“I am weary, God; please renew my spirit. When I despair, fill me with hope. When I feel as if I have no more to give, remind me that my strength comes from You. When I assume that my energy is finite, teach me to see that I am connected to an infinite source of inspiration and goodness.
When I lose faith in myself, remind me that I am blessed with enormous talent and ability. When I get lazy, remind me that there is much work to be done and that there are many people who need my assistance. Teach me to see that my efforts do make a difference.
When I forget why I am doing what I am doing, help me to recover the excitement, the meaning, and the satisfaction that led me to this work. When I lose direction, show me the way, God, back to passion, back to enthusiasm, back to You. Amen.”
~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)
I’ve said to my students, often, that the only real failure is in not trying, not doing anything. I have felt like giving up, as the frustrations (and fear and anxiety) build: not finding a job has taken on its own life, a burden that drags me down way too much.
A dear friend of mine has said that she wishes I could see myself as she, and those who care about me, do. That is really not the problem right now: I really need someone who is interviewing me to see whatI am capable of accomplishing for them. I would love to lift this weight off of my shoulders and move on to whatever tasks are ahead of me in life, not struggle in this rut that I find myself in.
I couldn’t even write anything the last couple of days. I’m starting to find my focus waning again, and I can’t allow that to happen. So…I have to keep plugging along, I have to keep on trying. I can’t afford to give up, nor do I want to.
What I would love to have happen is to have the freedom to unsubscribe from all the job posting alerts I get, as I would not need them anymore. I would love to be able to have the basic gripes and complaints most people have when the montly bills come in, the basic day to day of working, coming home to a safe and comfortable haven, and be able to enjoy time with loved ones.
In the meantime, I have to keep plugging away.
Day 36 – Chesed of Yesod: Lovingkindness of Bonding
Love is the heart of bonding. You cannot bond without love. Love establishes a reliable base on which bonding can build. If you have a problem bonding, examine how much you love the one (or the experience) with which you wish to bond. Do I try to bond without first fostering a loving attitude? Is my bonding expressed in a loving manner?
Exercise for the day: Demonstrate the bond you have with your child or friend through an act of love.
Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.
Psalms Chapter 67 תְּהִלִּים
From Dictionary.com, Selah: “an expression occurring frequently in the [Hebrew] Psalms, thought to be a liturgical or musical direction, probably a direction by the leader to raise the voice or perhaps an indication of a pause.”
“Thought to be” is key, in that it is uncertain (Merriam-Webster), or in grand Wikipedia style, “a difficult concept to translate.” This Psalms was another piece give to me by Rabbi Pam, in that there are 49 words or phrases, if you count from section 2 on, that match the Counting of the Omer, the days between Passover and Shavu’ot.
So…Selah. An indication of a pause. There has been that indication in my life, a pause, as I move from one aspect of what was a constant in my life to this next phase, this new section to be entered. What it is, I’m just not sure, nor where it will take me, nor will there still be other phases to come. It is difficult to translate, and things are uncertain.
I just don’t like, nor understand, why “…the ends of the earth fear Him.” That is not what I see in all this. There is too much fear already.
Early on in my writing of this blog, I was given the Inspiring Blog Award as well as an award I just received again (from someone else entirely), the Leibster Blog Award. This time I have been honored by Julia Neiman, who writes the blog Transform For Life. As Julia writes, she sees this as “the Liebster Award, to my way of thinking, is about loving your blog and it being a favorite. The German word Liebs means love or of love and the word liebste, again in German, means favorite. So to my nominees, I love your blogs and they are among my favorites.” So, again, thank you Julia.
If you are aware of any of these blog awards, they usually come with a set of “rules” to follow. In this case, the rules are:
- When you are nominated for the award:
- You post eleven random facts about yourself
- You answer eleven questions from the person who nominated you, and
- Then you pass the award onto eleven other blogs (making sure that you tell them you nominated them) and ask them eleven questions.
Eleven random facts about myself:
I loved spending almost two weeks in Paris, way too long ago; My friends mean the world to me; I found love when I wasn’t looking for it; I enjoy the tv show “Too Cute”; Word games are a passion; So is reading; I believe there is life out in the universe other than ourselves; that if we could live the lyrics to Imagine we’d be in a better place; I like DC comics more than Marvel, but have enjoyed the Marvel movies; I own a concertina; and music is an important part of my make up.
Julia’s 11 questions:
1. Are you a new entrepreneur or have you been in business for awhile? I used to have my own theater company, The Brothers Grinn. I founded it and ran it for 12 years.
2. What is your biggest blogging challenge? Not censoring myself.
3. What is one goal for your blog? To help me find myself, reinvent as needed, and if it helps others, then that is a good thing.
4. If money were no object, what would you do all day long? I’d travel, first; then most likely write. Volunteer telling stories at children’s wards.
5. Who is your ideal customer/client? I don’t have any right now: when performing, adults are preferred right now.
6. What social media sites are you on aside from Facebook? LinkedIn, Goodreads, Twitter, a few others.
7. What is stronger for you, your dream or your doubts? Depends on the day: I’d rather my dreams carried me along.
8. What services does your business offer? Right now, storytelling and Theater Arts workshops (when I freelance)
9. Do you have a business coach? Nope
10. What makes you happiest about your business? Freedom
11. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? “Too Cute” (see above)
So…I will have to think about the 11 I would pass this onto, as well as 11 different questions.
Etched into the faceThe eyes The shoulders, tensed Fingers rigidly grasped Broadcasting Observed, Those who see Who are aware Who open up beyond themselves Who are concerned. Unfathomable to so many An abyss lies before them What they see is the darkness That they detour Avoid Move away from Not understanding The darkness is the abyss As the abyss is that someone Who could not detour Avoid Move away Who is in that abyss Plunging down. Light comes in many forms But it has to be taken in Wished for Prayed for Delivered By one’s own doings It is a burden On top of so many others. *************************************************
This is my 100th post since beginning this blog on November 18, 2012. I began this a month after my mother passed away; I had been writing, but my feelings and such were mixed in with my creative writing on Tale Spinning. You may, or may not know, that the Rabbi I had just begun seeing. She asked me to try and write in the first person, not hiding anything in my fiction. As that was not what Tale Spinning is about, I created this blog four days after meeting with her.
What does this mean for me? 100+ days have passed (as I have not written every single day, though I have tried) since starting this blog, plus the extra month. I wonder if this blog has just about run it’s course, and I ask myself that on the days that I feel I have nothing to write, nothing to give. I know I will not place an extra burden on myself by continuing this just for the sake of continuing. It needs to have meaning for me; this has never been about getting a large number of readers, but just a way to find some catharsis in releasing, in self examination, in being as open and honest as I possibly can.
I hope that while I continue this it remains helpful to others. Some have written to me, either here or in private communications, telling me that this has been important for them, in various ways. For that, I am glad.
I want to thank: Rabbi Pam for (inadvertently) starting me on this path; all my friends, whose caring has helped see me through this dark time; and you, the readers who I’ve gotten to “know” through comments and those of you who read but keep to yourself. For all: from Talking to God, by Naomi Levy (c):
“Please, God, help me to recognize my strength. May I always remember that no matter how far I have fallen, no matter how bleak my life may seem, no matter how lost I feel, that I can always begin again. Amen.“
Thank you for being here with me. I hope you find the strength within yourself and are able to continue sharing it with others.
A month before the plan was to be engaged And the one, who was already bereaving, Bereaves anew, alone And there is no communication And there is no plan, anymore What does she think, on this day? What is she feeling deep inside? What is the sorrow she is feeling… For herself, her friend, both? They made plans for the holiday So they would not be alone ****************
This is another piece from Tale Spinning that was written before beginning this blog.
“Necessity is the mother of taking chances.” ~Mark Twain
“Of all that is good, sublimity is supreme. Succeeding is the coming together of all that is beautiful. Furtherance is the agreement of all that is just. Perseverance is the foundation of all actions.”~ Lao Tzu
Like so many, my life has been at times like I was on a roller coaster: moving along, slow at the beginning, then speeding up, heading down at fearful intervals, looping in and around, twisting upside down, sometimes screaming with fear, sometimes with extreme joy. Then it comes back and starts all over again. It’s an emotional journey, and the flat line days are sometimes just as bad. Getting stuck in a rut, unable to find the power to start moving back uphill until something comes along, to push, to surge.
While I am contemplating the thought of forgiveness (for myself, and towards my feelings about my parents, and letting go of past hurts that I carry around way too much), working through the bereavement process, and figuring out who I am at this point in my life, my job situation has never been far from the top of worries.
Yesterday, I was initially turned down for another job I had interviewed for. I wrote, asking for feedback as to why (I had been in for one teaching artist job, winding up being interviewed for three different positions because of my experiences); not hearing back, I called. Four hours later, I get a call for one more reference. Less than a half hour later, I get an email that I am, now, hired to be on their roster. Orientation next Wednesday.
While the end product is great news, it was just an up and down day emotionally (don’t ask about the class I saw that day: the less said, the better). If I had not written, then called, I am pretty sure the job would have died where it was. If I accepted no feedback from the rejection email, I’d still just be facing the next months as just a substitute teacher as opposed to working within my discipline. As it is, I still don’t know why I was first turned down and then later hired. Crazy making at it’s best.
So, beyond that, which is good news, my days are still going through the mental process of dealing with my life as it is now. I’ve had some very high points, some very low points (really, really low), and too much just coasting along. I am tired of the really, really low points, and the coasting along…it’s not how I want my life to be. I understand the need for complacency and safety for many; just never been part of my make up.
I did pray to God on my way to my morning job. I also prayed after getting the initial rejection, and then again after the phone call I made, and then again later. Did this make a difference? My friend Sam thinks so, as he and my SO put out prayers as well, after hearing about the initial rejection. No matter what, this was answered.
How many times do you just let the “No” stop you from proceeding?
Maybe to open certain doors, we have to knock a lot harder when there is no answer at first.
“How are you doing?”
It haunts, dragging me to the ground
It stings, re-tightening the chest,
It churns, causing my stomach to roil
And my head hangs low
And my eyes are downcast
And whatever else shuts down
For whatever liveliness that still resides drains out
Puddling, dripping, pouring down an abyss
For you feel helpless
For you feel hopeless
For you feel numb
And the platitudes keep coming
For few really want to hear
How you really, really, really feel
For they can’t cope with rawness
And hope they never feel the same
Never have to confront that pain
How are you doing?
Another piece from Tale Spinning.
While not feeling in the same mode as I was when this was written, it is still a question, or variations of it, that I’m not wild about hearing. I get tired of shrugging my shoulders, mentally &/or physically, about answering how I’m feeling. Still a lot to process.
“I really want this job, God; I need this job. Help me, God. [Teach me to believe in myself, to see that I am qualified for this position.} Calm my fears, God; soothe my nerves. Let me enter this interview with assurance and confidence. Let me speak my mind; let my thoughts flow freely.
Remind me not only to talk but to listen. Show me how to impress without seeming pompous, how to be agreeable without seeming ingratiating, how to be enthusiastic without seeming desperate.
Be with me, God; fill me with strength and faith and light. Let me shine today, God. Amen.”
~from Talking to God, by Naomi Levy (c)
Due to numerous reasons, I have been without a full time job for awhile now. Readers of this blog know that this has been one of the things that has preyed upon me, causing frustration, anxiety, worries and bouts of ill ease. While I’ve worked a lot at freelance/part-time work, it is not really enough.
When will this job recession end? Statistical numbers lie. Percentages only give you a clue to what is happening; you don’t get the stories, know anyone’s name, know of their struggles to put food on the table, or even their attempts to keep a place to have a table, warm clothing, a place to sleep. Unemployment statistics also don’t give you the whole picture: people who find part time work can not, legally, put in for unemployment. So…while some money may be coming in, it really is not enough for many. Two jobs, everyone eligible to work in the family has to, in some way or the other…it’s not the American Dream.
It is a nightmare, and one not everyone believes exists.
I send out as many resumes as I can weekly. I apply to things in and out of my discipline. I do get some interviews, but have yet to land a full time gig. So…
Today I have another part-time job interview, but it will pay more for work that is at least in my field. I bracketed the section in the prayer above because I do believe in myself, I do know that I am qualified to do this job. As I know I have been for work that has passed me by.
Dear God, please let the interviewers see what I know.
I hope the prayer helps others who are looking for work as well. Again, thanks to Rabbi Pam for giving me the gift of the book.
The going through things continues. My friend, Sam, was down yesterday to help me do sorting, cleaning and more tossing away. This time, some boxes of my own things that I haven’t looked through in years. We tossed out three boxes, rearranged a few more things (switching out more of Mom’s stuff for my own), and then…Sam found something I thought was long lost.
A letter from a friend in High School, Jill, one that I carried in my wallet for years. The ink had bled a bit, there are tears in the paper where it was folded for so long, but except for one word, I was able to read it again after so many years. While I don’t remember why I was so upset then to prompt what she wrote, I do know I said it:
I had a thought of killing myself then. 17, prime teenage years for thoughts of suicide. This is very difficult to write, now.
I’ve done my best not to censor myself here. Rest assured, while at times I have wondered why I am here, why we hurt so much at periods in our lives (and why I’ve felt as horrible as I have the past months), but… I do not want to hurt myself, nor die. I feel I still have a lot to live for, for myself and for those who care about me and love me, and to give of myself to others.
Her letter reached me to my core, and any thoughts I might have had at the time (serious or passing: honestly, I don’t know how deep it was then) were blown out of my system. I re-read the letter this morning, and the message comes through loud and clear. Thank you, Jill, then and now.
I really don’t know just what to say. I feel so shocked by what you told me at the concert.From my point of view, I don’t see why you have any reason to feel insecure. You’re such a beautiful person! I really mean that. you have so much to offer others. You’ve really made me feel good many times, when I was in a lousy mood. You have a talent for making people feel different emotions & especially for making them laugh…and I mean with you, not at you!
Whether or not you accept Christ, your body is still a temple of God. You have no right to destroy it. There is a purpose in your life, just as in everyone’s life. That purpose may not be clear to you now, but nevertheless, it is there. You must live to fulfill that purpose or you may not only hurt yourself, but someone else as well. Especially your friends. And you have many, including me.
If you ever want to talk, or [piece missing}, please come to me. I sincerely consider you my friend and to me that means that I am willing even to die for you. It says in the Bible “No greater love hath any man, than to give his life for his friend (brother).” So, please, if I can ever help, please let me know! Sometimes I’m dense, but do this for me! You are my friend, my brother, and I love you!
(ps: the picture attached to this: another friend made that wall hanging for me, another item found. Good things to turn up.)