Category Archives: Loneliness

Passing Another Day

Today would have been my mother’s 87th birthday.

This has been a hard week for me, starting off with Mother’s Day and now this. For others who’ve already mourned the passing of parents, I can understand the feelings that these types of days can amplify. It hasn’t been easy, going through the “firsts”.

The following prayer, by Naomi Levy, mostly says what I’m feeling. There are parts I would edit, add to…but, I thought better of it, and decided to leave it as it is. I’m sure many, if not all, have had the good and the not so good we see in our parents. We live the stressful times when they are with us. Time to let them go now that they, too, are gone.

“I miss you. You gave me my life. You were my protector, my teacher, my moral compass, my comfort. I feel so alone without you. No one worries about me the way you did. No one loves me the way you did.

Please forgive me for the times I caused you pain, and for the times I took you for granted. I can’t begin to fathom all the sacrifices you made for my sake.

I want to thank you for all the ways you blessed my life. Nothing can replace the gaping hole your death has left in my life. But mixed together with ll my sadness, there is a great joy for having known you.

I will remember your smile, your touch. I will remember your laughter, your kindness, your generosity, your determination, your love.

Thank you for the time we shared, for the love you gave, for the wisdom you spread. I will always treasure the lessons you taught me. i will carry them with me all the days of my life. I am so proud to be your child.

May God watch over you and bless you, with gentleness and with love. As you blessed me. Rest in peace. Amen. ”

~from Talking to God, by Naomi Levy (c)

Happy Birthday, Mom.death-lifetime

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quote by Neil Gaiman
Art (c) DC Comics

Burnout and Disappointments

arnold-1-weary-of-myself-copySo, here we are. A week I’ve been dreading, as I mentioned on Sunday (which was Mother’s Day). It’s now mid-week, and the presence of this coming Friday looms over me. As I’ve mentioned previously, this May 17th would have been my mother’s 87th birthday. It’s a sad week, not as horrible as I thought in those regards…

but…

Today I had a mid morning break. I sat in the school library, trolling the internet for work to apply to. A teacher was already at one of the computers when another came in. Instantly, their conversation was solely on recent deaths in both families. There was nothing for me to do but log off as fast as I could and bolt from the room. I was propelled down the hallway, looking for some refuge. It just came out of nowhere, and the feelings just caved in my head a bit.

Just not what I was expecting. School is full of life; all the little ones just bouncing off the wall. Being aware that it is all about them, their safety and well being, was a saving grace.

Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to Friday.

As to disappointments…I have, since Sunday, received about six rejections from jobs (not even an interview, just that my credentials do not meet what they are looking for). Today, I got a call from a job for the summer (and possibly beyond) that I had high hopes for: they did offer me the job, but only 12 hours a week at $25/hour. Yes, it’s better than nothing, but I have another offer that at least will give me more of a weekly wage during the summer.

So, others would say (and I know who they are) that I should be happy that I did well on the interviews I’ve had and have gotten offers. So many others don’t even get to the interview stage. I get that…it’s just I see a dangling rope in front of me, and while I may grab it, it ultimately is not strong enough to pull me out of the dregs I’m in. Enough metaphor?

I did get a one week residency that will help my June out, so that is a good thing. When saying my prayers, I asked God for some break…this definitely came out of no where and is most welcome. So…thank you, God.

I am weary, God; please renew my spirit. When I despair, fill me with hope. When I feel as if I have no more to give, remind me that my strength comes from You. When I assume that my energy is finite, teach me to see that I am connected to an infinite source of inspiration and goodness.

When I lose faith in myself, remind me that I am blessed with enormous talent and ability. When I get lazy, remind me that there is much work to be done and that there are many people who need my assistance. Teach me to see that my efforts do make a difference.

When I forget why I am doing what I am doing, help me to recover the excitement, the meaning, and the satisfaction that led me to this work. When I lose direction, show me the way, God, back to passion, back to enthusiasm, back to You. Amen.”

~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)

A Delicate Week

People%20can%20make%20me%20laugh[1]Some of my closest friends lost their mothers years ago, and I’m only now realizing I did not take that into account (or I don’t remember if I did) the pain they might have felt, the loss, on Mothers Day. I know it grows more difficult around holidays, and on the birthday of those who passed. Rich, Sam, Barbara, Kim, Molly…I’m sorry if I didn’t extend myself to you during those times. No excuse. I just hope that it is easier for you all, and you retain fond memories.

I have the double whammy this week: Mothers Day today, and then this coming Friday would have been her 87th birthday.

I want to thank Doug for sending me the above photo and saying, and reaching out to me today, knowing this would be a tough one. He spoke of my “inner circle of friends”, and he needs to know that though we’ve never met, and have not had the depth of experience together, that I truly consider a kind soul like his to be part of that inner circle. Thank you, Doug.

Came The Wind, a very short piece I wrote for Tale Spinning  yesterday, was driven by how I’m feeling. We’re left to go on, and to deal with our own feelings and memories. Not all are pleasant ones: it is up to me on how I deal with them, and how I let them go. It’s all we can do, as we continue on, and hope that when the day comes when we are no longer around, we leave more good memories than bad.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom.

Moving Forward, or Moving On?

moveThere is so much to consider when you are struggling to find a full time job. First is: what do you really want to do? Then comes qualifications, experience, training, etc. Then, what else can you do? What are you willing to do to make not just ends meet but to thrive, even a little bit? Is what you want &/or can do available in your area? Is it time to move on? How long do you persevere when you are not getting an offer?

All of these questions pepper my thoughts on a daily basis.

Where the American system is failing is in education and re-training. With so many adults out of work, or dealing with multiple part time jobs, companies are not looking for people to “think outside of the box” as much as they used to. I’ve been told this by job help specialists. Yet, in many cases, if you don’t push the boundaries, then what options are left open?

If a field is deleting your type of job, you’ve got hundreds if not thousands (depending on the area you live) that are searching for the same job. What makes YOU stand out from all the rest?

I’ve been “one of two” or “one of the top” candidates for way too many jobs I’ve applied to. Without an actual offer of the position, that is hollow. It’s easy for people who work already to see the other side of it, the positive that you made it that far. Without that steady income and benefits: not so much.

So…what do you do?

 

Day 42 – Malchut of Yesod: Nobility in Bonding

Bonding must enhance a person’s sovereignty. It should nurture and strengthen your own dignity and the dignity of the one you bond with. Does my bonding inhibit the expression of my personality and qualities? Does it overwhelm the one I bond with?

Exercise for the day: Emphasize and highlight the strengths of the one with whom you bond.
Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

Trust and Opening Yourself Up

tree

Day 41 – Yesod of Yesod: Bonding in Bonding
Every person needs and has the capacity to bond with other people, with significant undertakings and with meaningful experiences. Do I have difficulty bonding? Is the difficulty in all areas or only in certain ones? Do I bond easily with my job, but have trouble bonding with people? Or vice versa? Examine the reasons for not bonding. Is it because I am too critical and find fault in everything as an excuse for not bonding? Am I too locked in my own ways?
Is my not bonding a result of discomfort with vulnerability? Have I been hurt in my past bonding experiences? Has my trust been abused? Is my fear of bonding a result of the deficient bonding I experienced as a child?
To cultivate your capacity to bond, even if you have valid reasons to distrust, you must remember that G-d gave you a Divine soul that is nurturing and loving and you must learn to recognize the voice within, which will allow you to experience other people’s souls and hearts. Then you can slowly drop your defenses when you recognize someone or something you can truly trust.
One additional point: Bonding breeds bonding. When you bond in one area of your life, it helps you bond in other areas.
Exercise for the day: Begin bonding with a new person or experience you love by committing designated time each day or week to spend together constructively.

Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

There have been times when I’ve been way too trusting and open, especially in the work place, where I have had trust broken. Too many times, friendships that I thought I had cultivated only went to the perimeter of the job itself and did not extend beyond the confines of those walls. This has not always been the case, but those are rare exceptions.

I wish it were otherwise. There are many who I’ve crossed paths with that I wish were still in my life, but…they aren’t for any number of reasons. Many times I only had the shared experience of the job to “bond” us. Once I left, that bond was no longer a real bridge.

I have cultivated some very deep and meaningful relationships (bonding) over the years. I cherish these, and I know what I’m going through right now pains them as they see me in pain, struggling. They need to know, and I feel I tell them, how much their support and care means to me, even when I can’t express it, or my head is buried so deep underground that I can’t see beyond the blech in front of me.

In reading the passage from Counting the Omer, I did have a deficiency as a child: I was a bit of an outcast, not well liked and not having many friends. I would wind up with one friend at a time, if that. I spent most of my time alone in my room as I got into the older grades. It wasn’t until we moved to Westchester NY and I entered a new HS that things began to change. It was there that I gained the friends that are still a part of my life now, and the few from my early college years.

I hope you cultivate the bonds you already have, strengthening them as you can. I hope you find new ones as you go along, and open your heart to others, as they should do to you.

Tomorrow’s Hope

I don’t understand blind faith. I wasn’t brought up that way. I lived in a house that was haunted by my parent’s pasts, as we all were. My father, a concentration camp survivor, and my mother, a child of the Great Depression. Both brought their own set of outlooks on life, neither the peppiest nor the most joyful. At times, yes, there was pep, joy, laughter in the house. Religion only entered our lives at holiday times and when I was being prepped for my Bar Mitzvah.

Meaning, though, escaped what I experienced. Faith in anything? Never even broached.

Being surrounded by so many near and dear to me who have faith, who hold to a religious belief or calling, has stirred me to delve into what I’ve only skirted around for a very long time. Nothing is an easy fix in this regards: it’s a long road to understanding in the first place, acceptance and embracing in the distance. Some of it comes close at times. I don’t know if I’m fighting it or not: I just know I’m not there.

“Be with me, God. I feel so lost. I can’t seem to escape the dark cloud that hangs over me. Help me, God. Give me strength to combat despair and fear. Show me how to put my pain into perspective. Teach me to have faith in the new day that is coming.

Thank you, God, for today’s blessings, for tomorrow’s hope, and for Your abiding love. Amen.”

~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)

This has been a rough half a year+ for me, and I know I am doing what I can to put myself back on track. I have loved ones to thank for a good part of where I’ve gotten to now. I know that the rest is up to me.

nevergiveup-2

Day 37 – Gevurah of Yesod: Discipline of Bonding

Bonding must be done with discretion and careful consideration with whom and with what you bond. Even the healthiest and closest bonding needs “time out”, a respect for each individual’s space. Do I overbond? Am I too dependent on the one I bond with? Is he too dependent on me? Do I bond out of desperation? Do I bond with healthy, wholesome people?

Exercise for the day: Review the discipline in your bonding experiences to see if it needs adjustment.

Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

Keep Plugging Away

Metropolis-metropolis-1927-15539876-1641-1152I’ve said to my students, often, that the only real failure is in not trying, not doing anything. I have felt like giving up, as the frustrations (and fear and anxiety) build: not finding a job has taken on its own life, a burden that drags me down way too much.

A dear friend of mine has said that she wishes I could see myself as she, and those who care about me, do. That is really not the problem right now: I really need someone who is interviewing me to see whatI am capable of accomplishing for them. I would love to lift this weight off of my shoulders and move on to whatever tasks are ahead of me in life, not struggle in this rut that I find myself in.

I couldn’t even write anything the last couple of days. I’m starting to find my focus waning again, and I can’t allow that to happen. So…I have to keep plugging along, I have to keep on trying. I can’t afford to give up, nor do I want to.

What I would love to have happen is to have the freedom to unsubscribe from all the job posting alerts I get, as I would not need them anymore. I would love to be able to have the basic gripes and complaints most people have when the montly bills come in, the basic day to day of working, coming home to a safe and comfortable haven, and be able to enjoy time with loved ones.

In the meantime, I have to keep plugging away.

Day 36 – Chesed of Yesod: Lovingkindness of Bonding
Love is the heart of bonding. You cannot bond without love. Love establishes a reliable base on which bonding can build. If you have a problem bonding, examine how much you love the one (or the experience) with which you wish to bond. Do I try to bond without first fostering a loving attitude? Is my bonding expressed in a loving manner?
Exercise for the day: Demonstrate the bond you have with your child or friend through an act of love.

Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

Feeling Less Than

Day 31 -Tiferet of Hod: Compassion in Humility
Examine if your humility is compassionate. Does my humility cause me to be self-contained and anti-social or does it express itself in empathy for others. Is my humility balanced and beautiful? Or is it awkward? Just as humility brings compassion, compassion can lead one to humility. If you lack humility, try acting compassionately, which can help bring you to humility.
Exercise for the day: Express a humble feeling in an act of compassion.

Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved

cslewisIt has not been the best of weeks in how I’m feeling. Even with interviews happening, I still have nothing concrete, and that is unsettling. An interview I had high hopes for I have the gut feeling I will not be called back for the next part of the process. That is upsetting: I know I did the best I could, and while some will say that is all you can do, they may not be in the situation I find myself in.

Yes, this is a recurring theme for me on this blog and what I talk about with my friends. I wish I could do the attitude adjustment I so desperetly need to get through all this. People see strength in me that I just don’t really feel all the time.

So…in this space…

Dear God, please let me find my head above these dark clouds.

There are others who I have that prayer for as well.

I’m also trying to wrap my head around the concept of compassion & humility as expressed above. Today may not be that day that it happens.

Selah

Psalms Chapter 67 תְּהִלִּים

א  לַמְנַצֵּחַ בִּנְגִינֹת, מִזְמוֹר שִׁיר. 1 For the Leader; with string-music. A Psalm, a Song.
ב  אֱלֹהִים, יְחָנֵּנוּ וִיבָרְכֵנוּ;    יָאֵר פָּנָיו אִתָּנוּ סֶלָה. 2 God be gracious unto us, and bless us; may He cause His face to shine toward us; Selah
ג  לָדַעַת בָּאָרֶץ דַּרְכֶּךָ;    בְּכָל-גּוֹיִם, יְשׁוּעָתֶךָ. 3 That Thy way may be known upon earth, Thy salvation among all nations.
ד  יוֹדוּךָ עַמִּים אֱלֹהִים:    יוֹדוּךָ, עַמִּים כֻּלָּם. 4 Let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, O God; let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, all of them.
ה  יִשְׂמְחוּ וִירַנְּנוּ,    לְאֻמִּים:
כִּי-תִשְׁפֹּט עַמִּים מִישֹׁר;    וּלְאֻמִּים, בָּאָרֶץ תַּנְחֵם סֶלָה.
5 O let the nations be glad and sing for joy;
for Thou wilt judge the peoples with equity, and lead the nations upon earth. Selah
ו  יוֹדוּךָ עַמִּים אֱלֹהִים:    יוֹדוּךָ, עַמִּים כֻּלָּם. 6 Let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, O God; let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, all of them.
ז  אֶרֶץ, נָתְנָה יְבוּלָהּ;    יְבָרְכֵנוּ, אֱלֹהִים אֱלֹהֵינוּ. 7 The earth hath yielded her increase; may God, our own God, bless us.
ח  יְבָרְכֵנוּ אֱלֹהִים;    וְיִירְאוּ אוֹתוֹ, כָּל-אַפְסֵי-אָרֶץ. 8 May God bless us; and let all the ends of the earth fear Him.

From Dictionary.com, Selah: “an expression occurring frequently in the [Hebrew] Psalms, thought to be a liturgical or musical direction, probably a direction by the leader to raise the voice or perhaps an indication of a pause.”

“Thought to be” is key, in that it is uncertain (Merriam-Webster), or in grand Wikipedia style,  “a difficult concept to translate.” This Psalms was another piece give to me by Rabbi Pam, in that there are 49 words or phrases, if you count from section 2 on, that match the Counting of the Omer, the days between Passover and Shavu’ot.

So…Selah. An indication of a pause. There has been that indication in my life, a pause, as I move from one aspect of what was a constant in my life to this next phase, this new section to be entered. What it is, I’m just not sure, nor where it will take me, nor will there still be other phases to come. It is difficult to translate, and things are uncertain.

I just don’t like, nor understand, why “…the ends of the earth fear Him.” That is not what I see in all this. There is too much fear already.

light1

Anyways…

Early on in my writing of this blog, I was given the Inspiring Blog Award as well as an award I just received again (from someone else entirely), the Leibster Blog Award. This time I have been honored by Julia Neiman, who writes the blog Transform For Life. As Julia writes, she sees this as “the Liebster Award, to my way of thinking, is about loving your blog and it being a favorite.  The German word Liebs means love or of love and the word liebste, again in German, means favorite.  So to my nominees, I love your blogs and they are among my favorites.” So, again, thank you Julia.

If you are aware of any of these blog awards, they usually come with a set of “rules” to follow. In this case, the rules are:

  • When you are nominated for the award:
    • You post eleven random facts about yourself
    • You answer eleven questions from the person who nominated you, and
    • Then you pass the award onto eleven other blogs (making sure that you tell them you nominated them) and ask them eleven questions.

Eleven random facts about myself:

I loved spending almost two weeks in Paris, way too long ago; My friends mean the world to me; I found love when I wasn’t looking for it; I enjoy the tv show “Too Cute”; Word games are a passion; So is reading; I believe there is  life out in the universe other than ourselves; that if we could live the lyrics to Imagine we’d be in a better place; I like DC comics more than Marvel, but have enjoyed the Marvel movies; I own a concertina; and music is an important part of my make up.

Julia’s 11 questions:

1.   Are you a new entrepreneur or have you been in business for awhile? I used to have my own theater company, The Brothers Grinn. I founded it and ran it for 12 years.

2.   What is your biggest blogging challenge? Not censoring myself.

3.   What is one goal for your blog?  To help me find myself, reinvent as needed, and if it helps others, then that is a good thing.

4.   If money were no object, what would you do all day long?  I’d travel, first; then most likely write. Volunteer telling stories at children’s wards.

5.   Who is your ideal customer/client?  I don’t have any right now: when performing, adults are preferred right now.

6.   What social media sites are you on aside from Facebook?  LinkedIn, Goodreads, Twitter, a few others.

7.   What is stronger for you, your dream or your doubts?  Depends on the day: I’d rather my dreams carried me along.

8.   What services does your business offer?  Right now, storytelling and Theater Arts workshops (when I freelance)

9.     Do you have a business coach?  Nope

10.   What makes you happiest about your business?  Freedom

11.  What is your biggest guilty pleasure?  “Too Cute” (see above)

So…I will have to think about the 11 I would pass this onto, as well as 11 different questions.

Free Me

breaking%20chainsFree me from these chains I carry
Weighing down my load
Free me from the worries that eat at me
Eroding my soul
Free me from the pains afflicting me
Punching me in the heart
Free me from what I can not control
Save me from myself.
 
Free me from all self pity
Others push away
Free me from hanging my head
Let me see the sky
Free me from the things that bind me
Keeping me in the past
Free me from this helpless feeling
Give me a reason to go on.
 
So, who is there to free you anyways?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Who is beating down upon you?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Free me, you say, free me…
Free me, you say…
Free me
Look into the reflection before you…
Free yourself!
 
Free me from this negative spiral
Dragging me deeper still
Free me from the life I’m livin’
Give me what I need
Free me the dark despair
Bring me some of that joy
Free me this lonely existance
Save me from myself.
 
So, who is there to free you anyways?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Who is beating down upon you?
Who is keeping you locked away?
Free me, you say, free me…
Free me, you say…
Free me
Look into the reflection before you…
Free yourself!