Category Archives: Anger

Two Sides

Yesterday, Oklahoma and other parts of the Midwest US were hit by forces of nature. Many died. The numbers are still coming in: 91 when I last checked, with at least 20 of them children. In Iraq, almost 60 people were killed by multiple bombings.  My heart and prayers go out to those who are still around, feeling the devastating losses they must be experiencing.

Today, my SO is expecting her first grandchild, Adriana Grace. The mother is being induced around noon today, and while I wish I was there for the birth, I can also only send out my heart and prayers for a healthy baby to enter this world.

Death and birth: two sides of what goes on around us. Many more will pass away and many more will be born today.  I don’t even know what I’m feeling, as there are so many emotions coursing through me.

When I spoke to the Rabbi yesterday, she gave me more goals to work on: seek out a psalm a day, and find what resonates with me; write a Holy template of my life, the outstanding moments, good and bad, and see what they have brought; and to find gratitude in what happens in the here and now, and give thanks for it, for finding more of what is good in front of me, and that that is (possibly) finding and embracing God in my life.

A lot to think about.

God, please be with the survivors of those who died by violence, from the hand of another or by nature. Please ease their suffering as best as possible, for they will have a tough time ahead of them as they continue on.

God, please be with those giving birth today. May there be healthy babies born; ease their mother’s pain during the process. May love and happiness find them, envelop them, and bring joy.

 

baby feet

Burnout and Disappointments

arnold-1-weary-of-myself-copySo, here we are. A week I’ve been dreading, as I mentioned on Sunday (which was Mother’s Day). It’s now mid-week, and the presence of this coming Friday looms over me. As I’ve mentioned previously, this May 17th would have been my mother’s 87th birthday. It’s a sad week, not as horrible as I thought in those regards…

but…

Today I had a mid morning break. I sat in the school library, trolling the internet for work to apply to. A teacher was already at one of the computers when another came in. Instantly, their conversation was solely on recent deaths in both families. There was nothing for me to do but log off as fast as I could and bolt from the room. I was propelled down the hallway, looking for some refuge. It just came out of nowhere, and the feelings just caved in my head a bit.

Just not what I was expecting. School is full of life; all the little ones just bouncing off the wall. Being aware that it is all about them, their safety and well being, was a saving grace.

Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to Friday.

As to disappointments…I have, since Sunday, received about six rejections from jobs (not even an interview, just that my credentials do not meet what they are looking for). Today, I got a call from a job for the summer (and possibly beyond) that I had high hopes for: they did offer me the job, but only 12 hours a week at $25/hour. Yes, it’s better than nothing, but I have another offer that at least will give me more of a weekly wage during the summer.

So, others would say (and I know who they are) that I should be happy that I did well on the interviews I’ve had and have gotten offers. So many others don’t even get to the interview stage. I get that…it’s just I see a dangling rope in front of me, and while I may grab it, it ultimately is not strong enough to pull me out of the dregs I’m in. Enough metaphor?

I did get a one week residency that will help my June out, so that is a good thing. When saying my prayers, I asked God for some break…this definitely came out of no where and is most welcome. So…thank you, God.

I am weary, God; please renew my spirit. When I despair, fill me with hope. When I feel as if I have no more to give, remind me that my strength comes from You. When I assume that my energy is finite, teach me to see that I am connected to an infinite source of inspiration and goodness.

When I lose faith in myself, remind me that I am blessed with enormous talent and ability. When I get lazy, remind me that there is much work to be done and that there are many people who need my assistance. Teach me to see that my efforts do make a difference.

When I forget why I am doing what I am doing, help me to recover the excitement, the meaning, and the satisfaction that led me to this work. When I lose direction, show me the way, God, back to passion, back to enthusiasm, back to You. Amen.”

~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)

Moving Forward, or Moving On?

moveThere is so much to consider when you are struggling to find a full time job. First is: what do you really want to do? Then comes qualifications, experience, training, etc. Then, what else can you do? What are you willing to do to make not just ends meet but to thrive, even a little bit? Is what you want &/or can do available in your area? Is it time to move on? How long do you persevere when you are not getting an offer?

All of these questions pepper my thoughts on a daily basis.

Where the American system is failing is in education and re-training. With so many adults out of work, or dealing with multiple part time jobs, companies are not looking for people to “think outside of the box” as much as they used to. I’ve been told this by job help specialists. Yet, in many cases, if you don’t push the boundaries, then what options are left open?

If a field is deleting your type of job, you’ve got hundreds if not thousands (depending on the area you live) that are searching for the same job. What makes YOU stand out from all the rest?

I’ve been “one of two” or “one of the top” candidates for way too many jobs I’ve applied to. Without an actual offer of the position, that is hollow. It’s easy for people who work already to see the other side of it, the positive that you made it that far. Without that steady income and benefits: not so much.

So…what do you do?

 

Day 42 – Malchut of Yesod: Nobility in Bonding

Bonding must enhance a person’s sovereignty. It should nurture and strengthen your own dignity and the dignity of the one you bond with. Does my bonding inhibit the expression of my personality and qualities? Does it overwhelm the one I bond with?

Exercise for the day: Emphasize and highlight the strengths of the one with whom you bond.
Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

Keep Plugging Away

Metropolis-metropolis-1927-15539876-1641-1152I’ve said to my students, often, that the only real failure is in not trying, not doing anything. I have felt like giving up, as the frustrations (and fear and anxiety) build: not finding a job has taken on its own life, a burden that drags me down way too much.

A dear friend of mine has said that she wishes I could see myself as she, and those who care about me, do. That is really not the problem right now: I really need someone who is interviewing me to see whatI am capable of accomplishing for them. I would love to lift this weight off of my shoulders and move on to whatever tasks are ahead of me in life, not struggle in this rut that I find myself in.

I couldn’t even write anything the last couple of days. I’m starting to find my focus waning again, and I can’t allow that to happen. So…I have to keep plugging along, I have to keep on trying. I can’t afford to give up, nor do I want to.

What I would love to have happen is to have the freedom to unsubscribe from all the job posting alerts I get, as I would not need them anymore. I would love to be able to have the basic gripes and complaints most people have when the montly bills come in, the basic day to day of working, coming home to a safe and comfortable haven, and be able to enjoy time with loved ones.

In the meantime, I have to keep plugging away.

Day 36 – Chesed of Yesod: Lovingkindness of Bonding
Love is the heart of bonding. You cannot bond without love. Love establishes a reliable base on which bonding can build. If you have a problem bonding, examine how much you love the one (or the experience) with which you wish to bond. Do I try to bond without first fostering a loving attitude? Is my bonding expressed in a loving manner?
Exercise for the day: Demonstrate the bond you have with your child or friend through an act of love.

Excerpt from The Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2013. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

Selah

Psalms Chapter 67 תְּהִלִּים

א  לַמְנַצֵּחַ בִּנְגִינֹת, מִזְמוֹר שִׁיר. 1 For the Leader; with string-music. A Psalm, a Song.
ב  אֱלֹהִים, יְחָנֵּנוּ וִיבָרְכֵנוּ;    יָאֵר פָּנָיו אִתָּנוּ סֶלָה. 2 God be gracious unto us, and bless us; may He cause His face to shine toward us; Selah
ג  לָדַעַת בָּאָרֶץ דַּרְכֶּךָ;    בְּכָל-גּוֹיִם, יְשׁוּעָתֶךָ. 3 That Thy way may be known upon earth, Thy salvation among all nations.
ד  יוֹדוּךָ עַמִּים אֱלֹהִים:    יוֹדוּךָ, עַמִּים כֻּלָּם. 4 Let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, O God; let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, all of them.
ה  יִשְׂמְחוּ וִירַנְּנוּ,    לְאֻמִּים:
כִּי-תִשְׁפֹּט עַמִּים מִישֹׁר;    וּלְאֻמִּים, בָּאָרֶץ תַּנְחֵם סֶלָה.
5 O let the nations be glad and sing for joy;
for Thou wilt judge the peoples with equity, and lead the nations upon earth. Selah
ו  יוֹדוּךָ עַמִּים אֱלֹהִים:    יוֹדוּךָ, עַמִּים כֻּלָּם. 6 Let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, O God; let the peoples give thanks unto Thee, all of them.
ז  אֶרֶץ, נָתְנָה יְבוּלָהּ;    יְבָרְכֵנוּ, אֱלֹהִים אֱלֹהֵינוּ. 7 The earth hath yielded her increase; may God, our own God, bless us.
ח  יְבָרְכֵנוּ אֱלֹהִים;    וְיִירְאוּ אוֹתוֹ, כָּל-אַפְסֵי-אָרֶץ. 8 May God bless us; and let all the ends of the earth fear Him.

From Dictionary.com, Selah: “an expression occurring frequently in the [Hebrew] Psalms, thought to be a liturgical or musical direction, probably a direction by the leader to raise the voice or perhaps an indication of a pause.”

“Thought to be” is key, in that it is uncertain (Merriam-Webster), or in grand Wikipedia style,  “a difficult concept to translate.” This Psalms was another piece give to me by Rabbi Pam, in that there are 49 words or phrases, if you count from section 2 on, that match the Counting of the Omer, the days between Passover and Shavu’ot.

So…Selah. An indication of a pause. There has been that indication in my life, a pause, as I move from one aspect of what was a constant in my life to this next phase, this new section to be entered. What it is, I’m just not sure, nor where it will take me, nor will there still be other phases to come. It is difficult to translate, and things are uncertain.

I just don’t like, nor understand, why “…the ends of the earth fear Him.” That is not what I see in all this. There is too much fear already.

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Anyways…

Early on in my writing of this blog, I was given the Inspiring Blog Award as well as an award I just received again (from someone else entirely), the Leibster Blog Award. This time I have been honored by Julia Neiman, who writes the blog Transform For Life. As Julia writes, she sees this as “the Liebster Award, to my way of thinking, is about loving your blog and it being a favorite.  The German word Liebs means love or of love and the word liebste, again in German, means favorite.  So to my nominees, I love your blogs and they are among my favorites.” So, again, thank you Julia.

If you are aware of any of these blog awards, they usually come with a set of “rules” to follow. In this case, the rules are:

  • When you are nominated for the award:
    • You post eleven random facts about yourself
    • You answer eleven questions from the person who nominated you, and
    • Then you pass the award onto eleven other blogs (making sure that you tell them you nominated them) and ask them eleven questions.

Eleven random facts about myself:

I loved spending almost two weeks in Paris, way too long ago; My friends mean the world to me; I found love when I wasn’t looking for it; I enjoy the tv show “Too Cute”; Word games are a passion; So is reading; I believe there is  life out in the universe other than ourselves; that if we could live the lyrics to Imagine we’d be in a better place; I like DC comics more than Marvel, but have enjoyed the Marvel movies; I own a concertina; and music is an important part of my make up.

Julia’s 11 questions:

1.   Are you a new entrepreneur or have you been in business for awhile? I used to have my own theater company, The Brothers Grinn. I founded it and ran it for 12 years.

2.   What is your biggest blogging challenge? Not censoring myself.

3.   What is one goal for your blog?  To help me find myself, reinvent as needed, and if it helps others, then that is a good thing.

4.   If money were no object, what would you do all day long?  I’d travel, first; then most likely write. Volunteer telling stories at children’s wards.

5.   Who is your ideal customer/client?  I don’t have any right now: when performing, adults are preferred right now.

6.   What social media sites are you on aside from Facebook?  LinkedIn, Goodreads, Twitter, a few others.

7.   What is stronger for you, your dream or your doubts?  Depends on the day: I’d rather my dreams carried me along.

8.   What services does your business offer?  Right now, storytelling and Theater Arts workshops (when I freelance)

9.     Do you have a business coach?  Nope

10.   What makes you happiest about your business?  Freedom

11.  What is your biggest guilty pleasure?  “Too Cute” (see above)

So…I will have to think about the 11 I would pass this onto, as well as 11 different questions.

Endurance

Counting the Omer – A Spiritual Guide” by Rabbi Simon Jacobson:

Day 25 – Netzach of Netzach: Endurance in Endurance

Everyone has willpower and determination. We have the capacity to endure much more than we can imagine, and to prevail under the most trying of circumstances. Ask yourself: Is my behavior erratic? Am I inconsistent and unreliable? Since I have will and determination, why am I so mercurial? Am I afraid of accessing my endurance and committing? Do I fear being trapped by my commitment? If yes, why? Is it a reaction to some past trauma? Instead of cultivating endurance in healthy areas, have I developed a capacity for endurance of unhealthy experiences? Do I endure more pain than pleasure? Do I underestimate my capacity to endure?

Exercise for the day: Commit yourself to developing a new good habit.

I related,  in the previous post, the Counting of the Omer, the days between Passover and Shavu’ot, that Rabbi Pam offered to me. She also gave me Psalms Chapter 67, which has been broken into 49 sections to contemplate during this time period: the 25th “section” is “…the peoples..”. And, in a final paper, from Ethics of the Sages, “Torah is acquired through 48 qualifications, the 25th is “recognizing one’s place.”

All of this has meaning for me today: I do underestimate my capacity to endure, as these have been trying times. I struggle to keep my head afloat and not get bogged down in things. With “the peoples” and “recognizing one’s place”, this all swirled together today.

hamburger-grand-fast-food-image-345923-article-ajust_650I was in a fast food restaurant, one that long ago stopped being about speed of service but retaining the moniker. What most people still accept as “fast” nowadays has an entirely different meaning then when the term first sprang up. The lines were long inside and at the drive through, being prime lunch time rush.

Only three registers were open: a manager on one end, an employee who had been there for awhile (so I found out), and the line I was on in the middle. This server was slower, unsure of herself, and not being efficient in her putting together orders. It was obvious, but it was not done with attitude or deliberateness: if you’ve ever worked a food service counter, a long line at peak hour, especially when you are fairly new, can be quite daunting and nerve racking. I’ve been there as both hourly employee and manager: I know.

The woman in front of me was verbally insulting about our counter person, before she even got to place her order. Loud enough to be heard by friends on the line over, and certainly loud enough to be heard by the worker. When she finally got to place her order, it was full of special requests, and yes, she was confusing in her ordering. The order taker tried to read it back to her, only to be interrupted by the woman ordering. Then she lambasted her to her face, then turned around to her friend and semi shouted about how bad the girl was.

Behind me, another woman was sighing and moaning about how slow the girl was, how this wasn’t “fast” food. She did it a few times in my ear, which I assumed she was looking for a reaction. I turned and said that the woman ordering was placing four special orders and was confusing. The woman behind me said “well, I’m sure it’s the girl’s fault.”

When it was my turn to order, you could see the mixed feelings of the server. She was hurt, angry, annoyed…it was all over her face, in her eyes. I was torn between saying something to her (in some ways, to forget these impatient people and their ugly manners) and just getting out. Her manager obviously overheard the other woman, but it was too busy to do anything as she had her own line to deal with.

I thanked the girl when I got my own food, but said nothing. The woman behind me? She placed a special order as well, and wasn’t clear on what she wanted (asking for lemonade when she wanted was a frozen fruit lemonade: I heard her order. The woman was in the wrong). Of course, she went huffy with the server as I was leaving. I am sorry I did not take the minute to say something to the manager. I plan to go in tomorrow at a non busy period and say a word to whatever manager is on duty.

Enduring hostility when it is misplaced seems to be a theme today. In listening to NPR earlier today, there were reports from Muslim leaders who spoke about reactions they received over the bombing in Boston. Hate messages, a Muslim mother with a baby carriage being assaulted, and more, because of an assumption that all of one race, color, creed, gender-whatever-is as guilty as a whole.

I guess, in recognizing my place, it is that I should speak out against injustice, no matter what the backlash could be. We the people…something is lost in today’s world.

No More Hurting People

Martin Richard, victim of violence

Martin Richard, victim of violence

Boston Marathon relief effort: How you can help

Boston Marathon Bombings: How To Help

A Prayer For Peace, by Naomi Levy from Talking to God (c)

Let us live in peace, God.
Let childrenlive in peace, in homes, free from brutality and abuse.
Let them go to school in peace, free from violence and fear.
Let them play in peace, God, in safe parks, in safe neighborhoods; watch over them.
Let [married people] love in peace, in marriages free from cruelty.
Let men and women go to work in peace, with no fears of terror or bloodshed.
Let us travel in peace; protect us, God, in the air, on the seas, along whatever road we take.
Let nations dwell together in peace, without the threat of war hovering over them.
Help us, God. Teach all people of all races and faiths, in all the countries all over the world, to believe that the peace that seems so far off is in fact within our reach.
Let us all live in peace, God. And let us say, Amen.

Waiting…

colourful-quotes-waiting-Favim.com-360085Waiting for people to get back to you tries my patience.

I am waiting to hear back from four different job possibilities (one from an interview; three others to do screenings) and it just drives me bonkers. I know my son is waiting to hear back from his Friday in NYC interview from a job he really wants. I’m not calling him/contacting him simply because he, also, is on pins and needles. My friend Kim is waiting to hear back from two different potential positions; Richard waited almost three months (I think) to land a pretty big consulting gig…the list goes on.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I don’t like platitudes. I’m not one for “well, a better (something) is waiting for you down the road”, no matter how good the intention of the person. For me, looking for full time work since 2010….yeah, I’ve had it with waiting. I need, and deserve, to use my talents and skills, which I have many of, and I need to use them in the now.

I know that I am doing just about all I can. In this job market, and with my age, it makes finding jobs harder. I feel the need/push to create something again, and maybe that is what this is all about, because I’ve been fighting that need. My indecision, and fear, is holding me back, and I’m not sure what is the band-aid and what is the right direction.

I’ve heard “Let go and let God” from some; I wrestle with that concept, not willingly fighting it, just having trouble grasping the whole premise. I know that I wasn’t even looking for a relationship when I discovered one. The duality of waiting and being proactive war inside of me.

Make love, not war.

***************

A day later…

I find I’m of such mixed emotions, feelings in regards to learning more patience, accepting what is before me. Instead of tearing apart what I wrote above, I’m letting it be, as I try to figure out how to really deal with what is going on. One of the key things that helps is the support I get from loved ones. As always, thanks should be given to them for what they do for me. I know many say, or feel,  I should thank God as well. That is my work in progress.

It seems that that is an ongoing thing; from my perspective, it is what doing the prayers is about. It’s not only when times are tough/horrible, but the every day. I need to remember that.

Yizkor

Hakurba Synagogue in Jerusalem Israel (end of 20th century)

Habakkuk Synagogue in Jerusalem Israel (end of 20th century)

It’s a weird week, religion-wise. I held a Seder on Monday, the first night of Passover (Pesach). My SO, daughter and son-in-law were there. I did the service with a different translation/edit of the Seder from last year (and from previous years when my mother was alive), and I’m not sure if I liked it (it covered more than last year’s Concise version, but still left much to be desired.) The older version I used to do drives me crazy, as it’s almost a straight translation, and bores me to tears with it repetition and droning quality. Anyways, this year’s Seder is done, and I’ll continue my search for a version that really does suit me, an interpretation that has deeper meaning.

This coming Monday heralds the last day of Passover, and also is one of the four times of the year we are supposed to have a Yizkor memorial service. I will be doing this for my mother, who passed away in October 2012, and for my father, who died in 1999. I am sad to say: I never went to a Yizkor service for him, then. I am doing this, now, in both their names, as well as for my grand parents, uncles, aunts and cousins who are no longer with us.

What makes it a weird week is that it also is running consecutively with Easter week celebrations. I’ve wished many of my friends (and my SO) well during this time, and I will be going to Easter service with my SO. Then, Monday, the Yizkor service. From one to the other…but, for me, it all fits. It’s a complete spiritual journey I’m on. I’m not turning my back on my heritage. I’m opening up to what so many others who surround me have: faith in a higher power. I’m still not sure where I stand in all that, and I think it will be a long ongoing process for me.

I’ll be saying a special Yizkor mediation, one that was sent to me by Rabbi Pam, one that deals with the mixed emotional feelings I have with my parents. I hope that it will give me the cathartic release I’m looking for, and the start to move on.

My friend Rich sent this in an email, from The Rabbi’s Study, Congregation Beth Emek in Pleasanton, CA:

Dear Chaver (Member),   

On Monday morning, the seventh day of Passover, we will gather to worship at 10:30 and our prayers will include a brief Yizkor service. There are four Yizkor services during the year – on Yom Kippur, Simchat Torah, the 7th day of Pesach and Shavuot. Our celebration will be festive and lighthearted with a lovely luncheon for all who attend, but when we pray during Yizkor our happiness will be of a much different nature…melancholic, thoughtful and reflective. We will acknowledge our loved ones who have died and their presence will be felt.

 One might think that once the body disappears love would vanish too, but love continues after death. Jewish philosophers have taught that what is real is that which lies between two human beings. We may have bodies that exist as separate entities but the essence of life is the in-between – the relationship. Two poles exist but the love that connects them is the true essence of life and that relationship – between two souls – knows no physical limitations. Death is a veil that separates two bodies but love, knowing no boundaries, joins one soul to the other.

Our God is good. Would our loving God allow our cherished bonds to break? Every soul glows forever in relationship.

 On Monday during Yizkor we will recall our loved ones who have entered eternity – our fathers, our mothers, our spouses, our grandparents and cousins, and cherished friends, as well. And we will know that they are with us still, for God has created a pathway between their world and ours…by the memories we cherish and love that never ends.

Monday morning…10:30… Festival service and Yizkor.

L’shalom,

Rabbi David Katz

I wish you and yours a Good Pesach (Passover), a Happy Easter, and for those who celebrate other things, or nothing at all, a good and healthy time to come.

The Negativity Loop

You have blessed me with many gifts, God, but I know it is my task to realize them. May I never underestimate my potential; may I never lose hope. May I find the strength to strive for better, the courage to be different, the energy to give all that I have to offer.

Help me, God, to live up to all the goodness that resides within me. Fill me with the humility to learn from others and with the confidence to trust my own instincts.

Thank you, God, for the power to grow. Amen.” ~from Talking to God, by Naomi Levy (c)

Gerard Terborch (Dutch Baroque Era Painter, 1617-1681) Woman Writing a Letter 1655I found a letter yesterday when going through yet even more papers that my mother saved. She wrote it to me in 1983 when she was very angry with me. It was never given to me: I found it amidst an assortment of bills and receipts, photos and greeting cards. At first, I started to read it. I decided I’d leave it for later, but in flipping through it a word struck me towards the end, and I read the last page. She was writing that the good qualities I had were in no small part to the way she raised me.

It ended with “I love you but I don’t like you.”

That ripped through me, as I’m sure it would anyone else. I flipped through, scanned, saw what she was angry with and did not read anymore after that. The negative feelings of that time period. those words, affected a good part of my day. In trying to deal with it, I talked to a few people. The hurt, thirty years after it was written, was too alive at the moment.

One friend said (and I’m paraphrasing): “you’re not looking at the whole: she said she did love you.” That is something I’ve questioned for so long, simply because so much of my mom was bitter in her later years; it’s hard to remember anything other than the negative side of her that I lived with for so long. Rabbi Pam has remarked, as has the therapist, that I hold onto the personal hurt too much, not anger towards another, but the slight and hold it as “truth” in this present moment. In actuality, those hurts are in the past, and should remain so in their own context.

It’s a negativity loop, and I really want to break that habit.

I can easily excuse away anything that has happened, but that is not helpful either. This goes hand in hand with the question of forgiveness: how to forgive myself for things that now are long gone, and can do little or nothing about them. If I learn from it, that is a positive thing, and that is what I’m trying to do. I am sorry she felt that way, and I wish we had the relationship to talk things out, but, as was her want, she would rarely tell the person she was having an issue with how she really felt. She kept it inside most times, and it ate at her (or, in this case, wrote it out, which was not like her at all: I wonder if she really intended to give it to me and was either talked out of it by someone or thought better of it).

So, looking at it from both sides, she wrote of the positive and the negative that she saw in me. We all have that in us; I guess I am glad that she did find the positive traits in me. I know the circumstances of that time period that angered her so, and I also know that there is nothing I can do, now, but to learn from this again: don’t hold things in and let them eat at you; don’t carry a grudge; find some way to let yourself accept, let go, and move on.

I’m still working on the forgiveness to self part.