The Uneasiness of Today
“You have blessed me with many gifts, God, but I know it is my task to realize them. May I never underestimate my potential; may I never lose hope. May I find the strength to strive for better, the courage to be different, the energy to prove all that I have to offer.
Help me, God, to live up to all the goodness that resides within me. Fill me with the humility to learn from others and with the confidence to trust my own instincts.
Thank you, God, for the power to grow. Amen.”
~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)
Even though I planned this day, I’m not looking forward to it: a few friends and family are coming over to help with clearing out Mom’s stuff and a few other odds and ends. I know this needs to be done, but as anyone who has gone through it, clearing out a family members belongings is never easy. My mother could not get rid of any of my dad’s things for almost six years. My friend, Sam, (who’ll be here today as well, alongside my daughter and son-in-law and another friend) helped me over a period of time when she finally agreed it was time. That was hard, but so many years had passed. This time, it’s only months. Uneasiness at it’s zenith.
It’s not a rush, but the void that I feel in this apartment is drastically different. I know that this will have to be done a bit at a time: it’s just that her clothing, right now, can help the homeless, and in this cold winter we are experiencing, the need in me to try to do something for those without is strong. As I wrote that, I also felt my fear of homelessness. Not a good feeling to have.
I’ll be donating her clothing to the Westchester Coalition for the Hungry and Homeless. I have, in the past, given plenty to both Goodwill and The Salvation Army, which I do support. In this case, I feel I should help those who are in desperate need, to get something they must have for nothing.
So…why the quote above in a post about the sad feelings I’m having about today? To me, it’s a more positive and grounding message, a prayer I said this morning. I have prayers in the book tagged with post it notes to find ones that have meaning to me. After the morning prayers, I randomly chose one of the flags: the one above is what I opened to, and it feels right on a number of levels. I need to grow back into the person I was, and make that person even better.
This morning, I was not feeling it, almost wishing no one was coming over to do this. I’m doing my best to dispel the thoughts of the tasks ahead, trying not to do what I normally do: think ahead of all that has to get done, and then getting overwhelmed. I find it funny in a way: as someone who was trained in improvisation, it is about being in the moment, not thinking ahead, but paying attention to what has just been presented to you, an offer. Offstage, I do the opposite too often, and it can sometimes be too much.
One thing at a time. It has to get done. It will help others. I just have to keep that thought in my head.
Posted on January 26, 2013, in Caring, Despair, Family, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Loneliness, Love, Mindfulness, Prayers, Spiritual, Support, Transformation and tagged anxiety, being in the moment, caring, compassion, concern, counseling, deceased, depression, donation, emptiness, Fear, focus, giving thanks, God, Goodwill, Homeless, homeless shelters, Loneliness, love, Talking to God, The Salvation Army. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.