Dreaming of Mom
I dreamt that my mother was alive twice in the past month; confused both times, not understanding that time had passed for her. Both times they were very vivid dreams. Last night, she was rattled but, as was her wont, she would not admit that something was wrong. Instead, what is clear, was that after her initial off kilter moment, she turned to her slow burn anger. I know she said something along the lines that when she talks to [the executor of her late brother’s will] that she would “demand the rest of the money he left me!” The executor “nickel-and-dimed” her (her words) and my other late uncle (who was also allocated money in a trust fund), demanding itemized accounts of what they wanted the money for. He may not know it, but it was galling to her to have to do that: it made her feel like she was begging for it, and it left a bitter feeling for this person.
Obviously, my subconscious was working out my personal frustration and fears over my finances. That was one level, a level I am working on to correct, in many different ways.
The other thing, the one that surprises me most, is how much I miss my mom.
Most of you will probably go “Oh, that’s natural. Of course you miss your mother.”
Ours was not an easy relationship, and it grew more strained as the years passed. The more she had to rely on me, the more she was angry/depressed, which is understandable. Yet, it was also hard to deal with, on both our ends. We got on each others nerves way too often, and we communicated on completely different wavelengths: she wanted to tell me things; I wanted to have a conversation. I “hid” from her, more times than not, and it was lonely for both of us. So…missing her? I didn’t want her to die, but I did want to live differently, not be her caretaker, wishing for things about her that where what I wanted in my Mom, but things that she was either unable to be, or unable to understand. I’m sure I wasn’t the son she wanted all the time either.
We were both difficult for the other, and for that I am sorry. It is not the relationship I wanted for the two of us, but it is the relationship that was. I wish she was here so that we could still try to work on how we interacted with each other, but…If there is a presence beyond our own, then I hope she is aware of all this.
“I missed you when you were alive. I missed the words you never spoke, the affection you didn’t give, the apology you wouldn’t make. I missed the relationship we never had, the acceptance you couldn’t offer.
I’ve spent my whole life missing you, longing for the parent you could never be. And now that you are gone, I miss you even more. I don’t want to stop hoping for you to change. I don’t want to stop waiting for you. It’s hard to let you go, to concede that things between us will never improve.
I love you. And though you weren’t able to express it, I believe you loved me too.
May God be with you and bless you with peace. Amen.”
~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)
Posted on January 25, 2013, in Despair, Family, Grief, Healing, Loneliness, Love, Prayers, Spiritual, Therapy, Transformation and tagged anger, anxiety, concern, coping, counseling, death, depression, emptiness, Fear, frightened, giving thanks, God, Loneliness, love, Memories, mental health, patience, pure soul, Talking to God, understanding. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.