Then and Now

There has been a change since I started this blog, weeks after the passing of my mother and the pit of despair I fell into. The change is in me, how I’m viewing my life, how I’m handling it, how I’m trying to fight the ill moods and doing whatever I can to get out of the abyss. It is noticeable, and has been mentioned to me by many. I feel it too… just not always.

This is how I felt every second of my life for over three months:

I remember joy, God, but I can’t find it anymore. Everything seems so hopeless and tiresome. I think I’ve lost my soul. All I have left is this dreary body. The people who love me are trying to help, but I can’t find my way out of this darkness.

Free me, God. Breathe a new spirit into me. Give me strength. Give me patience. Give me hope. Be with me. Lead me back to joy, back to love, back to life, back to You. Amen.”

~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c), pg. 134

eternity _ eienThere are still times-moments, parcels of time, a day or days-where it still holds true, grabbing me with fits of anxiety and depression. I try to fight it with the tools I’ve been given by the Rabbi, the therapist, the Mindful Meditations, and my greatest gifts: those who surround me with their love and caring.

I had an absolutely horrible day on Thursday, with huge disappointments, and an emotional roller coaster that left me drained. It started off with my following a hearse on the way to a job, and my day outside ended almost the same, having a different hearse pull into the gas station as I was leaving. In between were the problems, book-ended by the hearses. Friday was a better day, but still uneven.

Bouncing back from these bouts are happening, where even a few weeks ago I would have been submerged by them. I’m not entirely free, I still need time. I still need something to help me overcome the financial burden that bears down on me.

I still need to figure out my next step.

So now…

I do my best. I am trying as hard as I can. I have meetings this week that I hope will be beginnings of something(s) positive, new doors to open. I do need to be free, have new spirit, find and hold onto my strength, learn patience, stay hopeful, and find the joy, love, life, and spiritual side that heals.

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About StuHN

I am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.

Posted on January 19, 2013, in Caring, counseling, Despair, Family, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Loneliness, Love, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Psalms, Spiritual, Support, Therapy, Transformation, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Dear StuHN,

    My sympathies on the passing of your mother. I am sorry for your difficult days, it must take all of your strength and resilience some days to persevere. You are strong, you have made it this far and will go on navigating the abyss of your grief. Uneven days are to be expected; but you recognize your own resiliency and are focused on the future. May you find peace in your own way at your own time. Again, my condolences.

  2. Hi Stuart:
    If May be so bold, the first thing I would do and have done myself is begin eliminating some words from your lexicon. Words that bring you down, words like:
    TRYING
    Don’t try. DO. I understand this is a small step and it seem inconsequential. It has worked for me however.

    The other thing I can say and again I hope you understand I’m NOT meaning to be bold here, however from experience I can tell you how much this has helped me:
    When you think something challenging will happen, when you think something sad will happen you’re only drawing that closer to you. You give the example of seeing the hearses.

    If you associate something negative in that then that’s what will be reflected back to you during the course of your day. If you instead turn that into a positive affirmation.

    As far as your Mom’s passing goes, you MAY get some help from my blog category on death and dying:
    http://cjpwisdomandlife.com/category/death-and-dying/

    I don’t expect everyone to believe everything I discuss but perhaps some of what I’ve written will offer some solace.

    And I certainly hope I didn’t offend or was to abrupt w/you in my reply. I wasn’t my intention.
    Be well!

    Chris

    • Hi Chris: first, thank you for the concern, and I’m not offended. I am DOING a lot to change things, I am trying (and I don’t see that as a negative: it is positive, and I am working on things…just not getting the results I want yet. I’d be more incline to agree with you if trying was only thinking not doing).
      As to the hearses: their appearances were just a visual reference that had nothing to do with the noxious/disappointing day I had. They just ,were coincidences, again, that I was stating. I had one other sighting the other day which upset me more (at a church), so again…rule of three.

      The only thing that would ever upset me is if someone said to me that I HAD to believe this or that, instead of sharing how they see things. I’m not one to have things pushed on.
      Again, Thanks

  3. Stopped by via Ultimate Blog Challenge and to leave my sympathies and wishes for your healing.

  4. There’s been lots written on the theory that positivity “draws” positive things. I suppose it works to some extent: people who project negativity can drive others away. On the other hand, the idea of your blog is to openly discuss these things and give you a haven to put thoughts and feelings on paper (virtual) and not keep them inside where they fester, so I don’t view it as negative, but rather a positive process for you. 🙂

    • Thank Li. I don’t see it as a negative. I’ve had a lot of negative people in my life, and it is draining. I don’t need to be that for myself as well. To me, doing this blog is a positive process, and everything I try to do, and actually do, is a step forward. Chris meant well. I just don’t see the negative in trying, or it “bringing me down”. If I did nothing at all but sit and mope, then yeah…

  5. love n hugs, is all I can say.
    -Portia

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