Then and Now
There has been a change since I started this blog, weeks after the passing of my mother and the pit of despair I fell into. The change is in me, how I’m viewing my life, how I’m handling it, how I’m trying to fight the ill moods and doing whatever I can to get out of the abyss. It is noticeable, and has been mentioned to me by many. I feel it too… just not always.
This is how I felt every second of my life for over three months:
“I remember joy, God, but I can’t find it anymore. Everything seems so hopeless and tiresome. I think I’ve lost my soul. All I have left is this dreary body. The people who love me are trying to help, but I can’t find my way out of this darkness.
Free me, God. Breathe a new spirit into me. Give me strength. Give me patience. Give me hope. Be with me. Lead me back to joy, back to love, back to life, back to You. Amen.”
~from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c), pg. 134
There are still times-moments, parcels of time, a day or days-where it still holds true, grabbing me with fits of anxiety and depression. I try to fight it with the tools I’ve been given by the Rabbi, the therapist, the Mindful Meditations, and my greatest gifts: those who surround me with their love and caring.
I had an absolutely horrible day on Thursday, with huge disappointments, and an emotional roller coaster that left me drained. It started off with my following a hearse on the way to a job, and my day outside ended almost the same, having a different hearse pull into the gas station as I was leaving. In between were the problems, book-ended by the hearses. Friday was a better day, but still uneven.
Bouncing back from these bouts are happening, where even a few weeks ago I would have been submerged by them. I’m not entirely free, I still need time. I still need something to help me overcome the financial burden that bears down on me.
I still need to figure out my next step.
I do my best. I am trying as hard as I can. I have meetings this week that I hope will be beginnings of something(s) positive, new doors to open. I do need to be free, have new spirit, find and hold onto my strength, learn patience, stay hopeful, and find the joy, love, life, and spiritual side that heals.
Posted on January 19, 2013, in Caring, counseling, Despair, Family, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Loneliness, Love, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Psalms, Spiritual, Support, Therapy, Transformation, Uncategorized and tagged anxiety, caring, compassion, concern, coping, counseling, depression, emptiness, focus, frightened, frustration, giving thanks, God, hope, jobless, jobs, Loneliness, love, mental health, Naomi Levy, patience, pure soul, strength, Talking to God, understanding, unempolyment. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.