In The Blink Of The Eye…

Blue_eyesMood Change
In the blink of the eye
Going from neutral thoughts
To sadness, pangs of grief
To anxiety…
Breathe deeply,
Find a focus
Try to wipe away the ill feelings
While being alert to all that is confronting you.
In the blink of an eye
You have to change
Face to face with those who have no idea
Of the inner turmoil you created
Momentarily, wiped away by distractions,
You focus on what you do have
That is good, that is pure, that is sound
That is love…
Finding yourself, again, in the process
And trying to reclaim it
In the blink of an eye,
it can be gone
You have to blink
Really hard
To make it so.
 

I still find myself drawn into maudlin moods even though I know I’m starting to claw out of the muck. I do hear all the positive words being bandied about me, around me. On an interview, I had more vindication, being told that my writing skills were superb (having sent in three writing samples, as requested). In a classroom, I’ve had kids tell me they liked how I teach (which is rare, but I’ve had a few). The Rabbi, therapist, and the resume counselor all have given me compliments and praise.  I hear the positive words from loved ones, friends…and while it does not fall on deaf ears, it still does not always reach into the core of my being.

I’m a work in progress.

Passing by a church  this morning, with a funeral procession waiting to leave, sent  me to dark places. I was back in the hospital room, and I could not go there, not when driving on wet, possibly icy roads, with others playing around me. It took a bit to get that out of my mind. I found that I turned to some positive “mantra” phrases, some of the prayers I know bits and pieces of, and did my best to throw the negative thoughts out of my mind. I succeeded, and was able to push them out of the way.

I am looking forward to this happening less and less.

Do you have a personal mantra that you draw strength from?

 

 

Advertisements

About StuHN

I am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.

Posted on January 16, 2013, in Caring, Despair, Fear, Grief, Healing, Loneliness, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Spiritual, Support, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. richard.m.morley@gmail.com

    Often, my friend, Gayle and I use the Schema as a mantra….. Always helps, me at least.

    Big hugs,

    Regards, Rich

    On Android, apologies for autocorrect

  2. Not really. just a checklist of “good” things in my life that I run through to soothe myself. It’s good that you are slowly becoming able to pull yourself out of these moments. 🙂

  3. Mantra? I guess that would be “Find the good and praise it.” In most any situation there is some good to be found – though you may have to dig deeply to find it. For example, we’ve had a lot of rainy days lately. But instead of seeing gray, cloudy skies and ruined golf matches I choose to see replenishment of water tables, rejuvenation for plants and… mud. Ah, well… I’m still looking for something good about all this mud… but I am trying.

    What you said about putting on an act: just before I did my swan dive into insanity I found myself putting on a mask along with my business suit when I went to work. People expected certain things from me, certain behaviors that I wasn’t normally in the mood to produce. But I’d put on my business face and produce them. I fooled most everyone… all except Anna. She had gone through this too and recognized the signs. She gently directed me into counseling. Had I not been in that process before the house fell in, I probably would not have survived. I owe Anna my life.

    • Wasn’t really an act, Uber, although I’ve done that in these past months. This was just immersing myself in what was going on in front of me. Having a great group of kids helped. And…big hugs to Anna for helping you when you needed it most.

  4. I trey to focus on what I have rather than what’s missing.

  5. What I said to my daughter as she was giving birth, though simplistic, still holds true for many of the trials I still face. That” This too, shall pass, has become my mantra. And to add a bit of humor to all of this, I recently passed two kidney stones, one from each kidney, in a matter of 3 months. That mantra,mixed with a dash of gratefulness, sustains me.

  6. i know what’s troubling you: its your love for your mom and let it take its own course. ‘Mom’- this single word is the greatest ‘mantra’, at least for me!
    -Portia

  7. While I’m not a church going women these days, there is a phrase that was taught to me in sunday school that I like to say to myself when I’m scared, confused or stressed. The phrase is, “There’s not a spot where God is not”. Some how that just makes me feel better.

    • I don’t believe you have to be a building going person, no matter what faith, as long in your heart you follow what you believe, your moral compass, every day, no matter where you are, no matter what time of the year. Thank you for the share.

  8. Well, Stuart, we are all work in progress. I think that it is important to take responsibility of our own actions. When things get pear-shapes, I like to say to myself ‘I am in control’. I repeat it until I believe it.

  9. Stu, my mantra is based on Louise Hay — “I am beautiful and worthy of love. I will watch my income grow. I invite success and prosperity into my life, success and prosperity in making healthy choices, in . . . (setting the intentions for th day).” I always end with inviting success and prosperity into my life in ways I haven’t even thought of and then thanking the (ok awkward — G-D, Universe . . . who/what ever it is your feel comfortable thanking for the many blessings I have received and am still receiving. I say all this in my car. I used to rant and rail at the universe in my car — now I use that time to cultivate positive energy — ok so now I sound like a southern California fruit loop — but it really does help. I am much more appreciative of things like my health, my friends, . . . naming my blessings outloud brings them into focus.

  10. stu,Ihave always found the Psalms to be comforting, but my favorite is Psalm 40, especialy the first three verses.I hope they will encourage you as they have me.

  11. Sounds like the fog is lifting and the light is peeking through!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: