Before The New Year…
Posted by StuHN
I woke up this morning, and my SO felt I was tense; I told her it was the same old thing, the negative thoughts that are holding me back. She said she wished I could find some joy, be joyful: I agree.
I went to the Rabbi first thing in the morning. I haven’t seen her most of December, and she will not be available until February. In talking about how I feel, she brought up the fact that my obsessing over what I don’t have right now is a large part of my anxiety, my tension, my not finding or being joyful. I intellectually see that I can be in a self defeating loop, but have trouble breaking myself out of it.
With all of our discussion, she gave me kudos for remaining with this blog, for remaining so honest, and for, in the depth of my darkness, my ability to still find compassion and care for others (she said evidenced both here on this blog, and what I’ve told her privately). The Rabbi said so many people who come to her for help can’t seem to go beyond saying they want help and actually doing something about it, nor are they able to reach out to others in pain, so deeply entrenched in their own. My SO agreed with her, again both of them bringing up all that I am trying to do to get myself focused, to appreciate the good things about myself, take care of myself, and continue to search for ways out from under the black cloud that I sometimes let remain over me.
We worked on a visualization: the Rabbi read Psalm 23 to me three times. With my eyes closed, I was asked to first think about what, if any, words or phrases lept out at me. Then, with the second reading, what visuals came to mind. The third time, to go deeper and see where it took me.
It’s the third time I want to talk about. I envisioned, during the second time, from “…You are with me; Your rod and your staff-they comfort me…” an arm, strong, firmly grasping that staff. During the third time, that arm was there throughout, on my right side…and I saw my right hand resting/holding onto that arm. It was there during that whole visualization. It was strong, steady, and…I’m not sure what I felt, but it felt right.
The image has remained with me, and as I’m writing it out it’s a pretty strong image for me. While I escaped into seeing “The Hobbit” after my meeting with the Rabbi, I saw the staff throughout the movie, wielded by the wizard Gandalf (I am NOT saying he is a stand in for God…just the connection, tenuous as some may see it).
What I was asked to do was to find a mantra, to say to myself when I start obsessing over the negatives, belittling myself, or a rise in anxiety. The Rabbi asked me to memorize Psalm 23, and that is what I shall try to do, and use it as a way to help get me out of this self-destructive mental loop. I will do my best.
For the coming new year, I wish everyone the best they can possibly hope for, a way out of any darkness that assaults them, and as much happiness that they can find. I wish these things for myself, as well. I always seem to forget wishing these things for myself.
I hope you do your best, for yourselves, in this coming new year, and always.
Psalm 23God is my shepherd, I shall not want. God makes me lie down in green pastures. Leads me beside still waters, and restores my soul. You lead me in right paths for the sake of Your name. Even when I walk in the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff-they comfort me. You have set a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You have anointed my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell in the house of God forever. Amen. ~ from Gates of Healing, a Message of Comfort and Hope
About StuHNI am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.
Posted on December 31, 2012, in Caring, Counsling, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Love, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Spiritual, Support, Therapy and tagged 2013, anxiety, being in the moment, bravery, caring, compassion, concern, coping, Counsling, focus, frightened, giving thanks, God, jobless, Laughter, love, Mantra, mental health, New Year, patience, prayer, Psalm 23, Psalms, rededication, searching for work, strength, trying, understanding. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.