Downs and Ups

letting goOne bad night
But many better days
Not wiped out
Not gone
But, at this moment, 
Pushed below the surface;
Trying to rally, trying to let it all go
And enjoy what is here, now,
Which is so much more.
 
“Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.”
 
“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.”
 
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”
 
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Had a bad night; woke up at 4am, something went wonky, set my mind at a million wonky anxiety things a second; took something for it. Then, trying to fall asleep again after being up for over an hour, had an anxiety laden dream. Nightmare. Whatever it was, this morning is the antithesis of how I’ve been feeling the last couple of days.

I am tired-so tired-of feeling like this. It has been a really pleasant couple of days (yeah, there were moments, but they were pushed aside and I dealt with them after a bit). This morning…not so easy. I’m tense, stressed out, and have a monster of a headache. It’s supposed to be nasty out, so it is a pj day (which, at this moment, sounds like the best thing).

Said my morning prayers (Thank you, again, Rabbi Pam…and thanks to Naomi Levy) with my SO, which always helps. Will def do some of the online Mindful Meditation, and try to readjust my thinking. That’s what it is: I get to that point that I start beating myself up over things I know I have no control over.

One thing I have to deal with is feeling like a failure. That comes out of my mouth too often. The psychiatrist wanted to know is that how I feel just now, or something that has deeper roots; it’s deeper, and I have to really start addressing that feeling and its history in me.

I don’t prefer suffering, but I do have a hard time letting go.

“Be with me God. I feel so lost. I can’t seem to escape the dark cloud that is hanging over me (today). Help me, God. Give me strength to combat despair and fear. Show me how to put my pain into perspective. Teach me to have faith in the new day that is coming. Thank You, God, for today’s blessings, for tomorrow’s hope, and for Your abiding love. Amen.”

~ from Talking to God by Naomi Levy (c)

 

 

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About StuHN

I am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.

Posted on December 27, 2012, in Caring, Counsling, Family, Fear, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Love, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Spiritual, Support, Therapy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. You are NOT a failure, Stuart. I know that things sometimes look bleak (how come they chose that dork instead of me? , I knew that job would be perfect for me and they would have been amazed at what they would have gotten)… but, unfortunately, there are bizarre market forces at work. There still is an ageism… let’s higher the younger one. Often, not because younger is better, but because younger is cheaper- or they fear that you will be gone before they get their value (whatever their value may be) before you leave.
    It’s tough to keep on sloggin through. You shall succeed, by finding that perfect fit. Keep the quest– and the faith.

    • Thanks Roy…it just does have a history of feeling with me, one I do need to address. Yes, I know the problems with job hunting ageism. Experience should win but budgets are budgets.

  2. There are mistakes and there are choices, there are things that we might have done differently. There are many things which are simply beyond our control. All part of life. But the only true failure (IMHO) is giving up. You haven’t given up. Therefore, you are not a failure. 🙂

    • Thank you, Lisa. You know I say that to the students I get the chance to share that same sentiment: the only real failure is doing nothing. You are right: I need to heed my own words.

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