“My God and God of all generations, in my great need I pour out my heart to You. The long days and weeks of suffering are hard to endure. In my struggle, I reach out for the help that only You can give me. Let me feel You are near, and that Your care enfolds me. Rouse me in strength to over comemy weakness, and brighten my spirit with assurance of Your love. Make me grateful for the care and concern that are expended on my behalf. Help me to sustain hopes of my dear ones, as they strive to strengthen and encourage me.” from Gates of Healing, A message of comfort and hope

Most of the prayers I’ve been reading/saying, and what I’ve heard from my spiritual adviser and friends, say, in one way or another, that my “dear ones” come to me from God. For them, I am thankful, and feel blessed, why such caring people are in my life. I really want to believe as they do, that the people in my life are there for a reason, that the God I waver over IS there, and if so…I want to thank God for them as well, if not more so. How easy is to to randomly toss out the the words “thank God!” when something good happens. How much harder it is believe and not question.

This morning I awoke from a really horrible dream, a sort of “Saw” horror movie (I’ve never watched any of them and only know of the content through reading social media or the flashes one sees in commercials).  Four people chained in a tub of rising water, three already perished from “something” that came through a head level drain. The last was a woman, but I was feeling her experience of the water rising, feeling like I was drowning, blocking the drain and feeling safe…only to have something come at me at the last moment, with a very eerie voice saying something about no hope. Yup…NOT a fun dream to wake up to, or have.

Edvard Munch's The Scream

Edvard Munch’s The Scream

The last two mornings I’ve also woken up “weirdly”: first to a bizarre series of re-decorating motifs (Sunday), and then waking up Monday morning to a full blown anxiety attack, my head full of past workplace mistakes. Three days of not fun wake ups.

I was bleary eyed and shaken from this morning’s dream. I went to my desk, took out the prayers the Rabbi gave me, and started them. Then I looked up, and on a shelf stand three cards from my SO, from three different periods over the last year. So full of positive messages, of love, of caring, that reading them only added to what has become my morning (and mid-day and evening) ritual.

Yes, they are Hallmark type of cards, but they were chosen so well, no sappy, saying what was necessary, as well as what was personally written inside. I can’t thank her enough for not only these words, but others she has said, and the things that have been left unsaid but have shown through in her being and doing. Add this to my closest and dearest friends, who may not send me cards (some do) but who reach out to me in so many other ways.

I need to awaken to the positives more, and live the positives, and work through the negatives. I have those who surround me (not in close physical proximity) and I have to hold onto that even more.

As I keep saying, I’m trying. I really don’t want to wake up poorly as I have;  I really want to awaken from the whole nightmare that has just been going on.


About StuHN

I am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.

Posted on December 4, 2012, in Caring, Counsling, Family, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Loneliness, Love, Mindfulness, Prayers, Support, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. I’m sorry that you are having to struggle through all of this Stuart. What a horrible dream. When you can take a step back from the emotions though I wonder if there is something you can take from it that might be useful. A lesson, a symbol or message from your higherself. Seems to me that drowning feeling could be emotional or physical.

    Either way I’m so glad that you are finding ways of bringing peace back to yourself. ((hugs)) Stay grounded in knowing so many care.

    • Bonnie..I do feel, often, that I am drowning, so it makes sense to me. Just wish I didn’t feel that way, or wake up THAT way. Yucky start of the day.

      I’m trying to stay grounded. Thank you for caring.

  2. We need to find a new dream to imprint upon your brain- and soul!

  3. Just take one day at a time…Glad you are depending on your faith during this difficult time.

  4. I know it can be hard to shake off those dreams, they stick with you through the dayKeep trying as you are. It is good to have those cards with thoughts to replace the bad ones. Still with you, Jill

  5. As trite as it sounds, hang in there, Stu. Believe that there are those who have experienced this kind of pain and who have successfully made it through.

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