Being in the Present (edited)

hands2Improvisational theater teaches you to be “in the moment”: not thinking ahead, just being there, listening and responding to what is said or reacting to the immediate action. You don’t plan, you don’t predict, you don’t for see, and you don’t push any point of view beyond what is expressed at that moment.

Being in the moment is also a mantra, it seems, when one is hurting. Not anticipating darkness, filling oneself up with anxiety and despair. Fear of that upcoming unknown. It’s debilitating, depressing, and overpowering and overwhelming.
I’m fighting that, and have been, for way too long now. It alters the way I think, and feel. It affects my sleep and my daily routines.

In the platitudes arena, this is one thing that has been said to me: focus on the moment, the positive aspects that are right now. I DO have quite a bit of positive.

I don’t know how to just focus on the now in my daily life. I did improv for years, and still teach it (when I find those few jobs), but that is a persona that I can easily take on for that time period, whether it’s a 45 min or two hour class. Then it is back to “what next?”…and what next is what is scaring me.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and my post went up for others, whether they will ever read it or not. That’s not the point of this blog. It’s not about getting numbers, or changing anyone’s life but my own at this point. It is a sharing, an online journal, where I still may censor myself…but I will try not to.

I don’t want to worry about the future. I want to concentrate on the good I do have. I don’t want to beat myself up. I want to be in the present, in the moment, and I’m not sure if I  have the coping tools to do that yet. Maybe I do have them, but I don’t know how to access them. Yet.

Maybe I’m expecting way too much of myself way too soon. That sounds about right too.

So…good things:

  • I found out I”m still up for a job I’ve been going after, and I’m one of two. Reference checks, and then….
  • I have an amazing, wonderful woman who loves, supports and cares for me (as I do her).
  • I have two children, grown and married, who I love, but also are way too far away and I miss them
  • I have a very supportive and loving cadre of friends, both face-to-face and online: the only problem is that they are all so very far away
  • I have been finding some relief in the prayers the Rabbi gave me; meditation on them helps

Right now….I think that’s enough. I am hoping for that job to come through, so I can start working on all the other things that are tearing at me, that will ground me, and help me find some focus.

I need to be in the present.

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About StuHN

I am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.

Posted on November 23, 2012, in Caring, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Love, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Spiritual, Support and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. It might help to edit your writing – keeping it only positive. For example, keep “I DO have quite a bit of positive,” but delete “but the ugliness is firmly mixed in and it rears its head way too often.” Or, keep “I want to concentrate on the good I do have,” but delete “and it’s very hard. I don’t want to beat myself up for my past mistakes and misdeeds. I do that far too often.”

    Say it, do it, feel it.

    2 cents

  2. We just need to realize what we have right now. Like Thom said, editing the buts might do a lot of help in helping you build your confidence and focusing the right here, right now and the positive! 🙂

  3. Have I mentioned how much I admire your courage? When I went through therapy I was told to journal, but although (or perhaps because) I’d been a creative writer for decades I could not put down on paper my unedited feelings. Even in a notebook where no one else was likely to see it. I still can’t. Kudos to you Stu, for finding that strength.

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