Plagued with waiting, not knowing
Trying to be patient, but knowing, too
That my immediate future lies in someone’s hands
Someone’s time frame
Someone’s care
And they don’t realize the depth of my needing to know
They don’t realize the depth of the burden I place upon myself
They don’t realize the frustration and fear and uncertanty
Because they have an income, security, a place that grounds them
And if they were in the knowing of the power they hold
Would it weaken me in their eyes, or cause pity, and no matter what
Cause them to turn away, to offer to another,
Who might be feeling close to how I feel, but they have not let it show?
What door will open if this one is closed?

Someone said to me, over the weekend, after hearing a bit of my situation, the old adage that “when one door closes, another one opens.” These are easy words to say, and I used to always believe that there were always options…another way to say the same thing. I’m trying to re-open myself to that line of thought, but when you are anxious and feelign down and out, when you are having trouble coping even with the simplest of things, that line of thought is hard to get into.

I am trying not to make this a pity party, but an expression of how I am feeling. I still haven’t come to really move on past one thing simply because I’m feeling so overwhelmed with so very much.

Try to forget the past mistakes

Try not to beat myself up

Try to find joy in daily life, for myself and for & about others

Try to look positively ahead, not see a blank, dark wall

Try to find purpose again

Try to find the comfort of the love and caring others have for me

Try to find the comfort, love and caring for myself…and that’s the hard one.


It’s now almost 6pm, and I have not heard from the job that assured me last week that I will hear from them today (Monday), one way or the other. I will have to put this out of my mind for the night and hope for the best for tomorrow.



About StuHN

I am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.

Posted on November 19, 2012, in Caring, Counsling, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Love, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Spiritual, Support, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Grrr. That’s why I hate job hunting. I hate the power other people hold and the fact that so few recognize that it is like the sword of Damocles hanging over your head. I know you don’t want me to say I know how you feel, but I really do on so many levels. I hate doors that slam in your face and the feeling that all other doors are locked. I hate waiting for the next door to open, and holding onto every mistake I’ve ever made in my past that makes me feel I can’t put my foot in that door and say look at me, I’m here and I deserve this. But I have to believe that someday, somewhere the right door is going to open, and beyond it the sun we will find a world beyond our expectations. I hope that door opens for your soon.

  2. Comment on Uncertainty– the not knowing, the waiting, the in-between, all of it adds up to things being out of my control. Once I know the answer ,I can make plans, I can find a direction, choose a path. But when I am just waiting, it drives me into the most unsettled feelings I have in life. People tell me that ,”if you are breathing, you have a purpose in life”. At 55 I still haven’t found MY purpose. I keep searching, I keep asking God to help me see it, but I have never had any great epiphany. So, I go on day by day doing the things that need to be done, the simple, mundane things, without feeling a pull, or push, or leading in any life purpose. Sometimes, ( too many times), I feel I don’t belong here at all. But I have received the answer to that question, and I am still here. I will just go on, trying to be a caring, forgiving, loving person, and , like you, keep walking through doors, and believeing one of them will hold the answers that we need, whatever they may be. I pray the right one opens for you soon.

  3. It’s so frustrating that employers seem to think that, because there are hoards of applicants, they don’t need to follow up, let them know their status, whether they are being considered, etc. Some entities don’t even acknowledge receipt of applications anymore. I yearn for the good old days when we filled out applications on paper, got an interview, maybe a second, and then a “yes” or “no” within a day or two. At least you didn’t make yourself sick hanging in limbo for weeks on end.

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