A Door Is Flung Open…

We all go through periods of trials and tribulations. For some, it seems never ending and overwhelming, and for too many that is way too true. We each deal with our own heartaches and troubles in a different way, some better than others.

At this moment in my life (Fall 2012), I am not dealing well with what is laid out before me. I have an amazing group of people who love and care about me, a support group that many would wish for. Sadly, each and everyone of them is hours and hours away. We call, email, Skype with the woman I love (long distance), but at the end of the day I face what I have to face by myself.

My mother died on October 14th, 2012, suddenly, over the course of a weekend (The eerie part of this is that my father died on October 15th, 1999). I was her caretaker, and before that helped out with my father who had Parkinson’s (among other things), and lived with them to help out while they were essentially housebound.  I have been without a full time job since 2010 (and believe me, I have been looking) and while I have worked what I could, I’ve eaten away at savings and neither of my parents left any estate to speak of. I owe a tremendous amount of School Loan money, as I tried to change my career and life at a late stage, and that, well…

What it leaves me is terrified, still numb with shock and grief…and did I mention terrified?

I started to see a therapist AND a Rabbi, both in the same week. I want to get better, I want to enjoy my life again, I want to experience the joy that I know is out there-pitfalls and all-but it’s all one door at a time to open, and I’ve had so many doors shut in my face, locked, barred, gated, and fallen down upon me.

The Rabbi suggested I write daily, or just about, on how I am feeling, IN first person. I write two other blogs, Tale Spinning (which is my creative fiction) and Bornstoryteller (Arts-in-Education non-fiction, but it is on hiatus right now). Neither place felt right for what she wants me to focus on, which is find a focus, find an outlet, let me tell you how I feel, whether in prose or poetry, rant or whine or cry out in pain (and hopefully joy again)…but all in first person. I shall try.

The first door has been flung open. I hope to step through many positive ones, and I know I have to do them one at a time.

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About StuHN

I am a creative individual with many areas of passion: Professional Storyteller; NYS Certified Drama Specialist/Educator; Professional Development Coordinator & Facilitator; Workshop Leader; sometime Puppeteer; Playwright; Director; Performer; Teaching Artist; and sometimes more.

Posted on November 18, 2012, in Caring, Counsling, Fear, Friends, Grief, Healing, Inspiration, Love, Meditations, Mindfulness, Prayers, Spiritual, Support, Therapy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I am walking through the door with you.

  2. I’m so sorry for the pain of the last few years and especially of last month! I’m glad that you’re writing through your grief and that you’ve started therapy too. I hope it eases the ache and brings you back to life.

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss honey 😦

    Xx

  4. Stuart, you are doing the right thing. I hope that things will get better soon. It takes time to heal, and I believe that the best is yet to come.

  5. Good for you – taking this task on in this way Stuart. I am a huge believer in talking through grief and sadness. You’ve got more than your share of life’s turmoil happening at the same time. I will send my prayers out that you find your stride again. Don’t be too hard on yourself right now. With the recent, unexpected loss of your mom, it isn’t surprising that everything is feeling that much more out of whack. Give yourself some slack – they don’t call it grief “work” for nothing.

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