Monthly Archives: November 2012

Substitution

“When I am feeling self-pity, God, help me to see beyond myself. When I am feeling despair, restore me to hope. When I shut people out, help me to believe in the healing power of companionship. Remind me that I am not alone, that I am needed, that I am heard, that I am loved. And that You are with me, now and always. Amen.” ~ from Talking to God, (c) Naomi Levy
 

SubTeachDismissal

But not the bell, not the day, but the person

Disregarded, not to be held to any accord

or accountable; disrespected by many

Young and “professional” alike

Unprofessionally thinking, lacking in care

That a body fills a vacancy, but often little more than that.

A blank, an unknown, a mass that fills a space.

No, not all do this…many understand there is a person standing there

With a brain, a care, a willingness, something to share

But, in the daily scheme, this comes and goes, and means little

Until the main stay returns.

Have you substituted for something else in someone’s life?

Not a job, but a life situation?

The other had a need, a use, and you filled it for that moment in time

The the thing you’ve substituted for returns

And then you’re that replaceable thing

A thing.

Where does my strength and belief in myself go then?

When does allowing someone’s  insensitivity remain just that

And not eat away at my own self worth?

How do I stop it from consuming me?

 
 
This was just a not very good day so far, and I’m trying to work out the kinks that have invaded my spirit. It’s time for meditation, some prayer, and a chance to make the rest of the day a better one.
Thank you to my friends. Thank you to the ones I love. Thank you to those who are trying their best to open my heart and mind to a greater power. Thank you for the support, the care. I need to renew my spirit, and you are all doing the best you can to help me in that way, as I am trying to do my best.
 
Thank you.
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Understanding

mindsetIn my being asked to be understanding

For other people’s foibles, time frames

Cares and concerns

Needs and desires

And how they work

I’m also asking to be understood

That much of my stress, anxiety and more

Depends on how the other person completes their task

Or follows through on what they say

Or steps up, as they’ve said they would, time and again

And doesn’t

And leaves me dangling in the wind

Leaves me wondering what, if anything, went wrong

Causing a festering that, in my furrowed mind,

Allows me to wander into negative territory.

All I ask is that I get the same respect

When asked for something in a timely, courteous manner

And I ask myself to understand that that is not always going to happen

And to figure out how to deal with it

Properly.

Turning to God and prayer, as I have been exposing myself to,

I ask for these things. Patience, coping, and a way to release the tensions.

Who Do You Care About?

caringAwhile ago, I was associated with a person who said she could not care about the troubles of other people in the world as it does not affect her daily life. This was in response to a portion of a play I wrote about my father, who was a survivor of Auschiwitz. I wrote about other cultures that have experienced or are still experiencing genocide and mass hatred in this section (which, I got back from a few, was too “preachy”).

Her words astounded me, and try as I could to explain how I felt and why I felt the way I did, she was only concerned with her own here and now. It was one of the reasons our association ended.

I just saw a series of videos for a science class about Island lives, in various parts of the world, where the rising waters, melting ice caps, and loss of land are destroying their native lands. One group has been told that their island will be submerged in less than ten years. A series of small islands were actually one large island less than twenty years ago. The sea water is bubbling up over and under the land, destroying crops, leaving the few families left to wait…sometimes up to three months…for surplus food to support them. Mainly rice.

According to the journalist, no one from any scientific community has visited or offered any support.

So…Who do YOU care about?

In the midst of my going through my own worries and concerns, the plight of these people hit me, and hit me hard. Can I take on the weight of the world when I have my own troubles? It depressed me to see what they are going through. My own problems cast a heavy weight of their own, and I want to offer…

offer what? Prayers? Yes, I can do that.

Information? Yes, I can do that too, but writing this, hoping to make someone else aware of the plight of others…I’m not sure what is enough, what burdens we need to carry, what prayers we need to send, what good can we do.

I told the woman I was associated with that if ONE person can alter their thinking, maybe cause one person to take an action (or decide not to do a negative action), that would be better than not doing anything at all. It could all just be blowing in the wind. I don’t know.

I’m sending out silent thoughts of prayers and wishes for those people, as I also pray for myself, to end whatever suffering is going on. I hope it is enough.

Loved Ones, Family and Friends

“Dear God, be with my family and friends. Bring peace to their troubled spirits. Enable them to know that their love gives  me strength. Help me to express my gratitude and appreciation to them for all they have done and are continuing to do. Let them feel free to bring me their own joys and sorrows that I may continue to participate in their lives even as they share mine.
May this also be a time of inner searching, that I may appreciate more fully the good and beautiful in life and labor to bring these to the lives of others. Grant me health and healing that I may carry out Your will in peace. Then will my life reflect Your presence and my love, Your love.” ~from Gates of Healing, A Message of Comfort and Hope
 

It is easy to get lost in yourself when times are really rough. I’ve dipped into self pity, been overcome with fear and uncertainty, bouts of anxiety and depression, and am alone for the first time in a very long time.

Yet, I’m not truly alone. I have some wonderful people in my life who care deeply for and about me. I just haven’t held up my end enough in caring about myself, nor fully reciprocating the attention they need/deserve.

As I try to move forward, I still stumble into despair, depression, anxiety, fear and more. It’s the knowledge that there are so many out there rooting for me that truly does help.

To those of you, know that I appreciate and love you, even when I don’t or can’t say those exact words out loud. You’re with me and I know that. I wish we were all closer in proximity, but that is not the case and I am trying my best to deal with it.

Thank you for being in my life.

As to God, I’m still trying to deal with the messages. Baby steps.

 
 

Patience & Prayers

This goes with being in the moment
As there are things I just have little to no patience for or with
Where waiting for that answer just doesn’t happen soon enough
When people don’t fulfill what they said they would do
Why things don’t go according to any schedule…
And it adds to my anxiety
And time ticks away with the pounding of fast heart rate
Tight chest and stressed out head
 

So my son and daughter-in-law got rear ended on their way home from Thanksgiving weekend. He called, but is short with me, as my stress level rises, my concern for their well being adding another level of anxiety. He hears it, and I’m sure it’s too much for what the two of them (and their dog) are going through. I want to call, to drive out the seven hours, to make sure they are OK…but they are adults, and a father’s job has to be to allow his adult children to be adults. Handle what they can, listen to when they are stressed, help if I’m asked for help. (Just heard from them: the car can be fixed, but it will take awhile. They are shaken, not stirred, and having been in my share of accidents, I can understand a bit about how they feel. They’ll get past this).

Be patient.

“When I feel weak, teach me I am strong. When I am shattered assure me that I can heal. When I am weary, renew my spirit. When I am lost, show me that You are near. Amen.” ~from Talking to God (I THINK by Naomi Levy)
 

For those that know me, praying like this, using prayers, is nothing I’ve ever really done in my life. I have  found, though, that I am surrounded and have been surrounded by so many who prayer and belief in God is a daily given. I sometimes feel disingenuous that I have been searching this out, now, at a very weak point of my life, when in the past I’ve scoffed at it all. Or if not scoffed, just haven’t had the faith and belief that others have had. I’ve questioned, searched, and found little that gives me peace.

This has been, little by little. Sharing it with my SO, who will hold my hand when I say them out loud or silently (when we are together) or over Skype when we’re not. Sharing it with my best friend. It helps. I can’t say to what extent, but it helps.

 

Home

On the road back, the hours and miles passing
Finally the radio station came into range,
A free form station, one of the few left;
All the songs in the set were about HOME…
Capitalized, not a place
And each one reminded me
Along the long stretch of road I was on
That I was heading home
smaller case
A place to sleep, to wake from, to keep things,
But it did not hold my heart, nor my mind.
It is empty, now, and cold
Colder than the winds that rush by outside
Colder than the winds that bounce around inside
home, not HOME…
 
So I entered, turning on lights to the quiet darkness
Locked the door and shuffled in
No one to look to see who entered
No one to ask  how the time away was,
or a grunt “hello.”
No one to ignore or be ignored by
For the home ignored it all, and just was.
 
Unpacked, restlessly moving around,
Checking the mail, the messages,
I entered her room, still full of things, saying
“Wish you were still here.
Yes, I had a nice time.
Yes, she is a nice person.
Yes, I’m glad she’s in my life.
Yes, her family is nice, and the meal was great, and we had a fun time.
I may still have a chance at that job.
Yes, good news.”
 
I’m sorry you couldn’t be here to hear any of this.

Being in the Present (edited)

hands2Improvisational theater teaches you to be “in the moment”: not thinking ahead, just being there, listening and responding to what is said or reacting to the immediate action. You don’t plan, you don’t predict, you don’t for see, and you don’t push any point of view beyond what is expressed at that moment.

Being in the moment is also a mantra, it seems, when one is hurting. Not anticipating darkness, filling oneself up with anxiety and despair. Fear of that upcoming unknown. It’s debilitating, depressing, and overpowering and overwhelming.
I’m fighting that, and have been, for way too long now. It alters the way I think, and feel. It affects my sleep and my daily routines.

In the platitudes arena, this is one thing that has been said to me: focus on the moment, the positive aspects that are right now. I DO have quite a bit of positive.

I don’t know how to just focus on the now in my daily life. I did improv for years, and still teach it (when I find those few jobs), but that is a persona that I can easily take on for that time period, whether it’s a 45 min or two hour class. Then it is back to “what next?”…and what next is what is scaring me.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and my post went up for others, whether they will ever read it or not. That’s not the point of this blog. It’s not about getting numbers, or changing anyone’s life but my own at this point. It is a sharing, an online journal, where I still may censor myself…but I will try not to.

I don’t want to worry about the future. I want to concentrate on the good I do have. I don’t want to beat myself up. I want to be in the present, in the moment, and I’m not sure if I  have the coping tools to do that yet. Maybe I do have them, but I don’t know how to access them. Yet.

Maybe I’m expecting way too much of myself way too soon. That sounds about right too.

So…good things:

  • I found out I”m still up for a job I’ve been going after, and I’m one of two. Reference checks, and then….
  • I have an amazing, wonderful woman who loves, supports and cares for me (as I do her).
  • I have two children, grown and married, who I love, but also are way too far away and I miss them
  • I have a very supportive and loving cadre of friends, both face-to-face and online: the only problem is that they are all so very far away
  • I have been finding some relief in the prayers the Rabbi gave me; meditation on them helps

Right now….I think that’s enough. I am hoping for that job to come through, so I can start working on all the other things that are tearing at me, that will ground me, and help me find some focus.

I need to be in the present.

Strength

“O God, our refuge and strength, and an ever-present help in times of trouble, how much I need Your strength and presence in my life right now. I feel weak, depressed, anxious, even frightened. I need help to face these hours and days. So I claim Your promises that I can bear whatever comes, that Your strength will be sufficient, and that my despair will give way to your peace that passes all understanding. Amen.” ~ from Gates of Healing, A Message of Comfort and Hope.
 

Today, in the United States, it is Thanksgiving Day. Many families will gather to stuff themselves silly, watch football, relax, argue, share stories, clean, prepare to go shopping for what is now “Black Thursday Night into Black Friday”….

healing-hands…and there are many who will go without today, whether they were devastated by our recent storms on the East Coast, are destitute without jobs &/or homes, or their friends & family have passed on.  Then there is the great suffering and pain that is going out in the Middle East, and war torn Darfur, and so many other parts of OUR world.

The prayer above is for them today. I have been saying it for myself since meeting with a spiritual leader, as I’ve felt the above, and feel the above. But…today, I’m hoping to send out strength to others, whether they know it or not, because it is all I can do. Is it enough? Not really, but I do hope that everyone who is suffering finds some inner strength to go on. Not just today.

Here is one things I’d like to share:

Giving thanks, being appreciative, should not be just this time of the year. This day. We should live it every day.

December should not be the only time we wish “Peace on Earth” and “Good will to ALL men”. Again, if we truly believed it, lived it, cared, extended ourselves all year round, not just one month a year, or one day a week…what a different world we’d live in.

Find strength every day, give thanks every day, and let’s wish for Peace on Earth and extend good will to all men every day.

No Answers Today

“O God our refuge and strength, and an ever-present help in times of trouble, how much I need Your strength and presence in my life right now. I feel weak, depressed, anxious, even frightened. I need help to face these hours and days. So, I claim Your promises that I can bear whatever comes, that Your strength will be sufficient, and that my despair will give way to your peace that passes all understanding. Amen.” ~ from Gates of Healing, A Message of Comfort and Hope, Central Conference of American Rabbis.

So full of questions

And no answers today

Will there be tomorrow?

What to do next?

Where to turn?

Try to not give up hope

Hold onto the good you know inside

Stand fast

Stand fast

**************************

It’s almost Thanksgiving, and traditionally, for some, we’re supposed to list the things we are thankful for. I am thankful for the  many friends, my SO,  my children (and some family) who care about me, love me, support me, and wish nothing but the best for me. I wish them all the best things, health and happiness. I am trying to think beyond them right now, and that will be a post for another day. To me, they are what I am most thankful for.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty
Plagued with waiting, not knowing
Trying to be patient, but knowing, too
That my immediate future lies in someone’s hands
Someone’s time frame
Someone’s care
And they don’t realize the depth of my needing to know
They don’t realize the depth of the burden I place upon myself
They don’t realize the frustration and fear and uncertanty
Because they have an income, security, a place that grounds them
And if they were in the knowing of the power they hold
Would it weaken me in their eyes, or cause pity, and no matter what
Cause them to turn away, to offer to another,
Who might be feeling close to how I feel, but they have not let it show?
What door will open if this one is closed?
 

Someone said to me, over the weekend, after hearing a bit of my situation, the old adage that “when one door closes, another one opens.” These are easy words to say, and I used to always believe that there were always options…another way to say the same thing. I’m trying to re-open myself to that line of thought, but when you are anxious and feelign down and out, when you are having trouble coping even with the simplest of things, that line of thought is hard to get into.

I am trying not to make this a pity party, but an expression of how I am feeling. I still haven’t come to really move on past one thing simply because I’m feeling so overwhelmed with so very much.

Try to forget the past mistakes

Try not to beat myself up

Try to find joy in daily life, for myself and for & about others

Try to look positively ahead, not see a blank, dark wall

Try to find purpose again

Try to find the comfort of the love and caring others have for me

Try to find the comfort, love and caring for myself…and that’s the hard one.

 

It’s now almost 6pm, and I have not heard from the job that assured me last week that I will hear from them today (Monday), one way or the other. I will have to put this out of my mind for the night and hope for the best for tomorrow.

Uncertainty.